Deutsch Heute

I tried out an online translator for fun:

Hallo. Heute dachte ich, daß ich mein gesamtes Blog auf Deutsch schreiben würde. Es ist eine lange Zeit gewesen, da ich es studiert habe, also ich ein wenig betrog. Noch wettete ich, daß es mich erscheinen läßt hübsches intelligentes. Ken hat das Hören zu den deutschen CDS in seiner Ersatzzeit begonnen, also muß ich auf meinen Zehen halten, um vor ihm zu bleiben. Ich habe eine harte Zeit mit den Tempora und der Wortstellung, jedoch. Deshalb benutze ich einen Übersetzer. Wenn er ganz herauf ihn ist wirklich nicht meine Störung geschraubt wird! Ha Ha.


This is basically what I wrote:

Hello. Today I thought that I would write my entire Blog in German. It has been a long time since I studied it, so I cheated a bit. Still I bet that it makes me appear pretty smart. Ken began listening to German CDS in his spare time, so I have to stay on my toes to keep ahead of him. I’m having a hard time with the tenses and the word positions, however, so I used a translator. If it’s totally screwed up it’s really not my fault! Ha ha.

This is how it translates:

Hello. Today I thought that I would write my entire Blog on German. It was a long time, since I studied it, thus I a little betrog. Still I bet that it lets me appear pretty intelligent. Ken began a hearing to the German CDS in its spare time, therefore I must hold on my toes, in order to remain before him. I have a hard time with the tenses and the word position, however. Therefore I use a translator. If it completely up it is not really my disturbance is screwed! Hectar hectar.

Not too bad. Unfortunately, I don’t think it makes me appear any smarter.
What the hell is Hectar Hectar?

hehe ...hold on my toes... he

Yay for Coffee!

I learned something about coffee yesterday.
The coffee bush is a tropical evergreen and would naturally grow up to 20-30 feet tall, however, bushes are typically trimmed to 3-7 feet to accommodate hand picking of the cherries. Each coffee cherry produces 2 green beans and it takes approximately 2,000 cherries of 4,000 beans to produce one pound of coffee.

Each coffee bush on average produces approximately 1-2lbs of roasted coffee per year. It takes a young coffee bush 4-5 years to produce it's first crop.

-Coffee Association of Canada

When you factor in the volcanoes, witch doctors, and extreme top secrecy surrounding the Starbucks beans, you can almost understand why their coffee costs so much.

My friend Treena was propositioned by a guy at the hardware store. She told him "My husband does things for me you couldn't even begin to do" I thought that was fantastic. Then I started thinking, what things? Is she referring to the obvious, nice house, he builds stuff, etc. Or does he do other weird, kinky things? Naturally my curiosity is peaked.

My Thesis on Crappy Literature

I've never been able to understand the whole reading on the toilet phenomenon. Some people will be racing around, butt-cheeks clenched, eyes manic, demanding reading material. If you ask them what for? they're bound to reply "It helps me to relax." I'm no expert, but if you're in that much of a frenzy that you'll read anything, you don't need to relax, you need to take a crap first. There is literature specifically written for the event. Has everyone read the Uncle John's Bathroom Readers? I'm going to start a Blog called Aunt Flo's Bathroom Blog -We Put The Log in Blog (or do we work it out?) Sorry, I crossed the line there.
If I do a cross word every night before bed, before long I get tired everytime I start one. Do people have to shit every time they read the paper. And that's another thing! Have you ever seen the asshole who takes the complementary newspaper in Denny's to the can and brings it back in 15 min. Ewww.

Holy Ejaculating Panties, Batman!

I went into this new store in town where they sell all types of overpriced, designer clothes. I bought some punk panties for a friend. You know, skulls and ejaculating flowers and such. Included with the panties was a free religious amulet. Do I even need to continue typing? Thank you God for the sex flowers and our skulls? They also carried a line of Jlo clothes. Of course these only look good on Ms. Lopez and birthday cakes. Most of the clothes ranged from an extra-small to a medium. There were some larges, but they weren't. The girl says "Our sizes go all the way up to a 34 . If I can fit them, you can fit them." First of all, two of her could have a 3-legged race in my pants. Second, everybody in this town is fat! The only ones who could fit into most of this stuff are teenagers, and what teenager can spend $85 on a tank top? I give them 6 months. I did buy a skirt and fell in love with a totally unnecessary 80s cult top that I couldn't afford but looked pretty foxy on.
Did I mention the salesgirl kept on bringing up Ken? Ooh, are you daddy's girl? Is Ken on shift work? Does Ken Watch alot of hockey? Ooh you have a good daddy, don't you? Ooh, tell daddy to buy this for mommy?
blah blah blah

Working up the Strength for Morning

I have a headache and this is the third night I've woken from horrible nightmares. All terror aside, I've really been enjoying sleeping with the window open, cool fresh air filling the room. Ken huddled under a quilt, shivering his ass off. My favorite way to sleep is when the window's open and it's very cool in the room, me buried under a duvet and a quilt (it's all about the weight of the blankets!) Ken likes 1 little blanket in a warm room. A bird may love a fish but where would they live? It doesn't really matter because they need seperate beds anyways.
It's been rainy here too so the air smells extra refreshing, clean. It rained a couple of days ago and the power went out for 5 hours. No thunder or lightning, just a little rain. That always happens in this crazy-ass, backwoods, hick-town. All the businesses close early and you get sent home with a smaller cheque. Last year it got a little windy and rainy and the power AND the phone lines went down for a whole day.
So far today I've made 2 really bad pots of coffee and discovered a hair in the jello that looks suspiciously like cat. That's nothing compared to the spider I found baked into the bread last night. I think it was a spider, hard to count legs when you're screaming in disgust.
I have to go to the doctor today and find out some results from 2 months ago. They never call you back to let you know what's up. They took 6 vials of blood and a dozen x-rays. I already know that a section of my spine looks like a trail of breadcrumbs on gravel, I'd just like to know what they can do for me. Stinking rat-bastards.
As I mentioned, our bathroom is being renovated and there is shit everywhere. I can't even wash my floor with any degree of sincerity and it's getting pretty hairy. I also babysit a 2 year old during the week and she's everywhere. Anyways, the guy hasn't shown up for a week to work on it so I called him and left a polite message asking if everything is ok as we haven't heard from him. Swearing at the furniture is getting me nowhere.
My motivation is waning, time to leave the house.

Kookoo for Keebler Kaka

Is there CSI underwear? If so, I need it.
I need to find another good crime game. I tried the Law & Order demo because I heard it was comparable to the CSI games and I almost threw the laptop out the window. I can't even figure out where my own desk is! Regardless, the stupid comments are so inane I don't think I could tolerate a whole game of them.
I'm also addicted to Salt and Vinegar popcorn seasoning. One major drawback is if you inhale too close to it, you almost die. Kind of like an outhouse in the summer or smelly feet just removed from workboots, or egg salad. Bleagh. Mom always has egg salad in her fridge and it smells like a fart factory for 20 mins after you open the door. Like the keebler elves are busy brewing up a batch of badboys just for me in there.
Three things that make me retch instantly: tomatoes, egg salad & potatoe salad. Oh and this one dish my old boss made for his family after work at the Chinese restaurant. I never tasted it and I don't know what it was or what it looked like, but think it may have involved pig feet. Everytime I entered the room, I gagged. When I went home I hurled all night from the stench. Never has that happened before! I like to try different things and will try anything once (unless it involves getting peed on or the like.) That's right, peepee is poopoo. Haahaa.

No VWs were harmed in the making of this Blog.

Of course now that I have a few minutes I can't remember all the fabulous things I had planned to blog about. Drat!
My friend Deron said something that almost made beer come out my nose at the bar a couple of weeks ago. I was asking why extremely obese women think they can get away with wearing those thin, white cottony-spandex pants. He said "It's like watching two volkswagens parallel park- It's not pretty, but it's admirable."
On that happy note, Goodnight!

Domestic Drivel

We picked up a few groceries in Walmart in G.P. the other day. I figured out what exactly the same items would cost (before taxes) if we purchased them here in town and compared totals.
Walmart, Grande Prairie: $77.20
Freson IGA, High Prairie: $125.78
This is precisely why I bitch so much. This is just a few items. When I have to buy diapers and such, that's where it gets really hairy!

We had to have a baby to understand the actual function of a belly-button. It's a place to keep your cheerios! Last night Ken stripped her down and carried her from her room to the bath (quickly, to avoid getting peed on) and, after placing her in the clean water, discovered a lone cheerio. It was baffling. Occasionally renegade cheerios jump off the baby, seemingly from nowhere. Like ticks! Obviously she doesn't keep them in her diaper. That's where she stashes her crack!

Ken still thinks he can outwit me.
Me: "I guess it doesn't matter what you wear to get our picture taken, you always look like a slob! Haha."
Him: "How would you like a picture taken with two black eyes?"
Me: "Two black guys?! Great!"

Dear Diary...

Tonight I miss my Grandpa alot. Listening to Patsy Cline always reminds me of him, the way he was before his stroke. He was all about garage sales and building things in his basement (he was about 80% blind [and still drove a Buick]) and he smelled like Afta and toast. His hair was greasy with brillcream and he wore thick, black-rimmed glasses. When I was little he taught me how to play Rummy, Blackjack, Poker, etc and when I was older, much to my Grandmother's chagrine, told me dirty jokes. He had a stroke and remained paralysed in a nursing home for 11 years. He died a year ago and I didn't make it to the funeral as my baby was only 2 weeks old. I wonder if I'm lacking the closure of a service? I still feel horribly guilty for not visiting more. It was like it wasn't him anymore. He had a short attention span and couldn't do most of the things I remembered him for. I was sad when he died, but relieved -both for him and my Grandma. More guilt about that? Maybe. The last thing he mentioned was the baby. Papa and I shared a birthday. I just wanted to get this down. For myself.
Memories and sad feelings are healthy once in a while and it's important to "enjoy" them. Any teenage girl who's ever sang-cried to a rock ballad over and over again will agree. These moments are to be savoured!
It's probably not super good news that I cry over my cat that died 3 years ago every time I try to sing along to Dreamer by Supertramp.

Don't judge me.

Master-berater

Today the girl that works at the vitamin store told us that she wore a t-shirt that said I'd Rather Be Masturbating to some event at her kid's school. Maybe I'm neurotic (ok, I definitely am) but I'm extremely aware of stuff like that. My brother-in-law had a bumper sticker that read Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten. I totally laughed my ass off but I would hate to have to explain it to my kid. Especially since some kids are ultrasensitive and although they might act like they understand it's a bad joke, secretly think themselves a deviant, kitten-killer until they are 20 years old.

On another note...
Trying to keep the baby from leaping off the bed when I'm trying to catch a few more winks, is like wrestling a bloody midget. She hurls herself on top of me, her legs already scrambling to launch her over the side. Meanwhile we are both screaming in protest. Good times.

A reply to Patrick's comment of Dec. 29

I figured no one read that far back (4 whole entries ago!)
The comment was made that, while we are abundant with Christmas flicks, no Easter movies really exist. Coming from a religious background, the hystrionics of which I won't get into, it is assumed that every movie about Christ's life/death is an Easter movie. The Passion of the Christ fits into this category. Nothing makes you feel all warm and fuzzy like sitting down with a bowl of popcorn and watching the saviour of the world getting chunks of flesh ripped off of him. Good movie though. Other titles that may be associated with Easter are Jesus, Jesus Christ Superstar, The Greatest Story Ever Told (more of an epic Bible tale), Here Comes Peter Cottontail, and It's the Easter Beagle Charlie Brown.
I'm sure everyone feels enlightened now and is at peace with the world. You're welcome!

Take a left on Pork Street until you hit Burrito Boulevard...

While driving to my brother's, I looked up at the sign and thought it said Pork Street. It was actually Park Street, but it got me to thinking. There are subdivisions where all the streets are named after birds, or trees, or precious gems, so why not meat? E.g. Pork Place, Burrito Boulevard, Bung Avenue, West Breast Crescent (in the Poultry Park area of course) Then my Mom yells out "Taco Trail" and coffee almost comes out my nose. After much discussion and a mild coffee spray we decided this would be an acceptable pronoun. For example: Get outta my face you taco-trailing, rat-bastard, ass-bandit! Rat-bastard is one of my mother's favorite terms, as is Whoring-sons-of-bitches. These terms are best used casually and without raising the voice. First say "I'm going to the coffee shop around two, see you there." Now in the exact same tone of voice say "I'm going to see if those whoring-sons-of-bitches at the bank have my account sorted out yet." Easy-peasy!

Things I hate today:
Shitty customer service (50-80% of Vernon)
People who give me parenting advice when their little monsters are clearly screwed up
Acid wash anything
Maxwell House coffee
Liars
People who will bitch for a year about something/someone but never attempt to deal with it

What in the hell is the matter with everyone working retail in Vernon? I'm trying to plan a friggen wedding there and now my choices are based solely on the customer service I get. I'm willing to pay a little more to not have to deal with useless assholes all day. Futureshop (Vernon only) may be the worst yet. Everytime I go in there, there are more staff than customers and you still have to wait a half an hour. It's like a bunch of monkeys put on uniforms and run around in circles. Like the Shriners at a parade- it's neat how they go around and around and never smash into one another, but does anyone know what they actually do?

Quotes from The Kentucky Fried Movie:

The popcorn you're eating has been pissed in. Film at eleven. -Newscaster

Moscow in flames, missiles headed toward New York. Film at eleven. -Newscaster

I'm not wearing any pants. Film at eleven. -Newscaster

Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can aquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: 1. Rigor mortis. 2. A rotting smell. 3. Occasional drowsiness. -Henry Gibson

Little Girl Lost -PSYCH!

When I was in Vernon, a couple of weeks ago, a 9 year old girl went missing. As I understand it, she went missing at around 9am in her pjs. By 2pm the sky was filled with helicopters and the creek had been searched. I left town for a couple of hours and when I returned I heard that she had been at her friend's house the whole time. I was relieved but slightly annoyed at the idiocy of the whole thing. Unfortunatley I can't enjoy a good rant as I don't know the details.
sigh.
I hope I'm as good a parent as I am a judge of other parents.

Subtle as an Axe in the Face

It's been pointedly noted that I haven't blogged in a couple of months blah blah.

There's nothing like coming home after a month of "holidays" (I use this term loosely as my family is a soap opera in a class all it's own) to a demolished house. The master bath is gone, the wall to the kitchen also gone, and the contents to the pantry all over the floor. There is a door beside the kitchen table and a shop vac underneath it. The table is covered with light bulbs, tools, assorted spices, etc. My sushi dishes are buried by the back door under the toaster oven and some are broken. The ENTIRE upstairs is covered in a layer of drywall dust. Perfect living conditions to bring a baby home to. Best of all I get to share a teeny tiny bathroom with 4 boys. Did I mention filthy? The only thing I hear out of Ken is "Are you mad?" I'm not, although some things are preventable and I would have thought of them ahead of time. Ahem.

Good movies I've seen latley:
Saw
The Incredibles
Something's gotta give (just kidding, that was the ultimate in crappy crap)

Well I have to ease into this slowly so as not to injure myself. My blog-hymen has grown over. Ewwwww! Ya well suck it up princess, I know that's why you love me! I'll try to keep at it. I certainly don't need my lack-of-blog thrown in my face everytime I have dinner.

Quotes:

Oh, this is almost as bad as that time I forgot how to sit down! -Peter, Family Guy

Never judge a book by it's movie. -J.W. Eagan