The Second Time is Never as Good

I was halfway through a long and heartfelt entry and decided to save it just in case. Of course it's gone now. I should have written it in Microsoft Word first and copied it but I was lazy. Fuck. It's just as well, I probably would have burned in hell for what I wrote anyway. Now it's out of my system and I feel better. It's like online window-shopping. I surf, I shop, I fill up my cart/basket, I fill out the billing information and then I cancel everything. Like shopping but without the cost. Genius!
I watched Party Monster last night. Without getting into it (now I'm tired of typing) I would recommend it. Not a fabulously wonderful movie, but an interesting one. True story, lots of colour, and it kept my attention until the end. When I saw it in the video store with Macauley Culkin on the cover I almost ran away screaming ala Home Alone. Then I saw, to my delight, that it co-starred Seth Green. Does he ever age? I looked it up and he's 30, and yes, has been playing teenage roles for 20 years. Here's a hint about the movie: the guy who play's Fez on That 70's Show plays DJ KEOKI. Interested? Well maybe you ought to be you uppity snot.

You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye -Hunter s. Thompson

Trailer Trash and Mr. Dressup the Faggot

After my last entry I was desperate to see an interesting movie. With a name like The Human Stain, I was less than thrilled about the whole thing. Then I saw the names: Anthony Hopkins, Ed Harris and Gary Sinise. Woohoo! (I'm not a Nicole Kidman fan particularly) After careful deliberation I've decided it should be called The Human Shit-Smear or Inhuman Straining or even Beginning of a Good Idea Crapped out Halfway Through and Are We Actually Supposed to Feel Sorry for the VICTIM-SLUT? Not impressed at all.

The other day I was thinking about things I did when I was a kid. I remember I used to have a couple of friends who lived in a trailer park. I remember how great it was to play there. There was no negative connotaion attached, just the idea of a bunch of kids who lived close together and could play relatively unsupervised. Awesome! Trying to remember, I'm quite sure the place was nice and neat and clean. It was low income and there were alot of single moms there but nobody cared. When did "Trailer Trash" become a thing? The trailer parks around here look like they should be aired on pay-per-view. Frightening actually. Dirty kids in their underwear playing in the street and junk cars everywhere. There was, however, a "welfare building" in town. Everyone who ended up leaving their husband (they beat them) and couldn't work (3or more little kids) ended up there for 1 to 2 years. Some women I know ended up there 2 or 3 times and now their kids are all grown up and bouncing in and out of there too. There is a place that has been renovated a couple of times but still has negative connotations all over it.

When I was very small there were 3 kids' shows on t.v. Sesame Street, The Friendly Giant, and Mr. Dressup. There was no Mr. Rogers where I lived, thank goodness. I thought Mr. Dressup was The Bomb! I still do. When he died I actually squeaked out a tear because I never got to write him that fan letter I had been thinking about for 20 years. My Dad told me one day that "Mr. Dressup's a Faggot." Okay, I'm 5. I don't know what Faggot is but my dad is always saying stuff like that and I know better so I ask a reliable source, Mom. "Dad says Mr. Dressup is a faggot" I cry (literally). She replies "We-ellll, he is honey" and walks away.

Bawling.

I started to suspect conspiracy when I told my parents I was in love with Gordon, the bald, black man on Sesame Street and they told me he was a faggot too. I realize now that the word "faggot" had nothing to do with sexuality it was just my parents way of expressing thier opinions that someone was a loser. Boy oh boy, I can't wait to start screwing with my kid's head!

If my parents were any judges of character they might have taken a closer look at Michael Jackson during the eighties.

No, perhaps that's not fair. Nobody could have forseen what was going to go on with that FRIGGEN LUNATIC.

The 80's gets alot of flack for being bright and loud and tacky. I think it was great. Punk, Glam, all of it. Everybody trying to look as unique and beautiful as possible. Granted, there was some bad hair, but try to appreciate the sentiment behind it. I'm big, and shiny, and pretty! Anyone who can condemn the 80's must have lived through the 90's. As far as I'm concerned, that's when everything went to shit. It was like a bad remake of the seventies only without flair, originality, good music, and freedom of opinion. Everything anyone did was wrong. The clothes in the early 90's were worse than the 80's and the hairbands WAY worse. Even Bon Jovi lost credibility. Haha.

And what's with the whole grunge thing?
My brother is 3 and a half years younger than me and it's like a decade. When I was a teenager all the girls wanted to look like girls. All his girl friends look like their trying to win a homeless-androgeous pageant (with the exception of his very pretty girlfriend, Venessa, the last of a dying breed of accessorizers.) Thank goodness he has good taste. Really, what's wrong with trying to look nice once in a while? Or at least female? I'm not saying wear a dress everyday, but shave your legs, and put on some pit-stick fortheluvvagod!

In conlusion, let me summarize today's points:
1. The Human Stain Stank
2. My trailer trash friends were cool
3. Mr. Dressup was WAY cool
4. Gordon from Sesame Street was sexy
5. My parents were mean
6. The 80's STOMPED the 90's
7. I'm pretty and I smell nice

"... and this one time when I was in the 4th grade I made fake puke in a bucket and then went to the movie theater and I went into the balcony and I leaned over the side and made this sound 'OOOORRRR! UHHRRRRR!' then I poured the puke over the side and then, this is the worst part, everybody startin gettin sick and pukin all over each other, and that was the worst I've ever felt in my whole life.” -Chunk, The Goonies [1985]

"Fitty dolla bill! Fitty dolla bill!" -Data, The Goonies [1985]

"It's a dog-eat-dog world and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." -Norm , Cheers

Ebert & Roeper can Bite Me

Am I the only one who hasn't seen a really good movie in a long time? I watched Cold Mountain the other day and after slogging through one tragedy after another it ended up being decidedly predictable. Also, here's a man, back from war, single, and has women throwing themselves at him all over the place but he turns them all down because there may or may not be a woman he hardly knows sitting at home awaiting his return. Chaaa, and monkeys fly out of my butt. Speaking of overly tragic, has anyone seen Dr. Zhivago? Holy fuck! I wanted to kill myself for sitting through the whole thing and actually expecting something good to happen. I think the last movie that had me on the edge of my seat was LOTR 2. I wasn't thrilled with 3, but to be fair I enjoyed the 2nd book the most too. I really enjoyed Love Actually but it really wasn't all that fantasmagoric. It was a cute romantic comedy and that's exactly what I had hoped it would be. Ken seems to be getting more out movies lately and he doesn't generally like them. Every time I walk into the living room he's pissing himself over Badder Santa. God help us! Even Secret Window was a let down. I was SO EXCITED to see Johnny Depp in a Stephen King movie. Well big fat hairy friggen deal batman. Saw Hidalgo, okay but nothing worth owning.
The other night I rented The Story of O because I have been kind of half-assed reading it for the last 2 years. I still don't get it. It's French erotica written a long time ago by a woman. Quite controversial. The main character, O, loves her boyfriend soooo much she goes to this place where she is whipped, beaten, and screwed six ways from Sunday by a bunch of strangers. She has to wear her dress up around her ears at all times and be easily accessible from every angle. She has to paint her nipples and so on to be sexier. She is there willingly. Her lover gives her to his brother who brands her and pierces her labia with earrings with his name on them. Naturally they fall in love and it pains him greatly to watch his friends all fuck her and humiliate her in public. But, alas, he is a man and must look cool in front of his friends. WTF??? I repeat WTF??? I think its like a 9 and 1/2 weeks type of deal to show how some stupid women will do anything for love/sex. Did I mention the movie is from the seventies, badly dubbed and lots of pubic hair. Good times!

I am anxiously the release of Harry Potter 3. I heard a while ago that they were going to redo Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, casting Johnny Depp as Mr. Wonka. Awesome! As long as Charlie is not portrayed by Haley Joel Osment, droopy eyed, flailing around moaning "I see small, green people."
Any suggestions are welcome. I especially like thrillers and comedies.


Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. . –Clark Griswold, Christmas Vacation [1989]

I know it's not Christmas, but this is one of the all-time best movies.

Bum's the Word

Viewer discretion is advised.

Okay. So we're channel surfing through the porno channels (there was nothing else on) and on every single channel is a bleach blonde taking it up the bum. I could care less about who's into what but what the heck is up with all the ANAL? What happened to good old fashioned sex? Now you can't even buy a porn mag without someone peeing on someone else every second page (so I'm told). And everyone has so many peircings you can't tell whose is whose amid the sweaty flesh-mass. Or should I say ass-mass. Sorry, couldn't resist. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a prude or anything, but can't a girl get some good old one-on-one penetration? Now there's all this pressure. "Okay honey you find the condoms while I set the mood. The mirror is in the tub and the girls are drinking plenty of fluids. I hope you brought the snorkel this time!" I remember at my last job, every single person there had to check out this website with alot of shit-eating and so on. I had to pass. Sure every once in a while I like to check out rotten.com or bangedup.com but that's more for the occasional hilarious picture. I once saw a penis & testicles neatly tucked into a high heel shoe, strap and all. I had tears running down my cheek for a half hour. But, I certainly don't need to see people ingesting human waste. I have a real problem with visuals. I saw a video of a man getting fucked by a horse and I'd wake up thinking of it 6 months later. You can imagine what a horrid predicament that would be.
That's all. Rant complete. Now I have to go.
The poker is hot and Ken's not gonna hang upside-down forever!

It’s spankin’ season and I’ve a hankerin’ for some spankerin. – Homer Simpson

Cheated

Recently I had a friend confide to me that they cheated on their spouse, who happens to be a dear friend of mine. They are truly remorseful and don't want to hurt their partner by telling them now. First of all, I did not want this information at all. I don't want to hurt this person either and finding out will be devastating to them. But I hate having this information. The person who told me was very drunk and started freaking out with worry that I would tell. I assured them I wouldn't. I hate this. Why do people always feel that they have to confide in me. This is not a new thing. Everyone wants a sensitive guy but I swear to god I end up with all the weepers, present company excluded. I once met a friend of a friend and we ended up having a few drinks. He ended up crying and said he thought he was gay but didn't want to tell anyone. I'd known him for all of 4 hours! I could have blabbed to his friend and inlaws if I wanted. And what about people telling me their secret sexual experiences! Gads, I could write a book! I'm a good listener and I guess I seem trustworthy. It's both a blessing and a curse. I won't tell, but I won't lie either. This has happened to me before (where a friend cheated on another friend) and I had to be truthful when asked. It's the best I could do. (I hope)

A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her. –Oscar Wilde

hmmm... interesting

Quickie

I shouldn't blog when I'm bummed out. Looking back it's like finding an old diary, reading it, and immediately feeling like a complete dumbass.
I've decided that Revenue Canada likes to drive people insane sloooowly. I think we should all just line up, drop our pants, and bend over. At least take the sport out of it for them.

[on Dave's return to the ship, after HAL has killed the rest of the crew]
Look Dave, I can see you're really upset about this. I honestly think you ought to sit down calmly, take a stress pill, and think things over. –Hal, 2001: A Space Odyssey [1968]

Out & About in Snout

Aye Carumba! I am in the land of tiny houses. Every house in Elk Snout is a doublewide trailer. Except in the trailer courts. They are single trailers with additions. With the carports, mud rooms, etc attached, you almost think it is a house. Then, upon closer inspection, “aha!” you see it. Doublewide. I’ve never seen anything like it. I also never expected it to be so different from High Prairie. Downtown is bigger but everything is closed Sunday, even the grocery store. There is no one walking down the street anywhere! The room I am sleeping in smells of cat pee and though I’ve found one source of the problem, there is still a lingering odour and it’s driving me mental. I am alone in the house as everyone went to the inlaws farm to drink. Again. Jesus, Mary and Joseph. My friends from Vernon left today and I’m kinda bummed. Last night I had a REALLY GREAT time. I got a little drunk with old friends and danced and had a ball. Just like old times. Except three of us had babies there and one of us is now a lesbian. Kinda like old times. One of my girlfriends proceeded to get shitfaced and continued nursing her baby all night. I felt a bit awkward because I gave mine a bottle after I had a couple but didn’t want her to think I was being judgemental or something. I don’t know. Never mind. I was also the cigarette nazi but everyone respected that and stayed away from the babies. Celia had a good time visiting and getting held by a couple of people at the next table and dancing in the pretty lights. I said the grace well enough but was nervous because I didn’t anticipate a microphone. I hate microphones. The ceremony was nice enough, none of it my personal taste, but nice. Everyone cried because the groom was crying when he said his vows. God I miss Ken.

Ich geh' zu Boden wenn du nicht mit mir fleigst
I will fall to the ground if you don't fly with me -Wish, Franka Potente Thomas D