Ebert & Roeper can Bite Me

Am I the only one who hasn't seen a really good movie in a long time? I watched Cold Mountain the other day and after slogging through one tragedy after another it ended up being decidedly predictable. Also, here's a man, back from war, single, and has women throwing themselves at him all over the place but he turns them all down because there may or may not be a woman he hardly knows sitting at home awaiting his return. Chaaa, and monkeys fly out of my butt. Speaking of overly tragic, has anyone seen Dr. Zhivago? Holy fuck! I wanted to kill myself for sitting through the whole thing and actually expecting something good to happen. I think the last movie that had me on the edge of my seat was LOTR 2. I wasn't thrilled with 3, but to be fair I enjoyed the 2nd book the most too. I really enjoyed Love Actually but it really wasn't all that fantasmagoric. It was a cute romantic comedy and that's exactly what I had hoped it would be. Ken seems to be getting more out movies lately and he doesn't generally like them. Every time I walk into the living room he's pissing himself over Badder Santa. God help us! Even Secret Window was a let down. I was SO EXCITED to see Johnny Depp in a Stephen King movie. Well big fat hairy friggen deal batman. Saw Hidalgo, okay but nothing worth owning.
The other night I rented The Story of O because I have been kind of half-assed reading it for the last 2 years. I still don't get it. It's French erotica written a long time ago by a woman. Quite controversial. The main character, O, loves her boyfriend soooo much she goes to this place where she is whipped, beaten, and screwed six ways from Sunday by a bunch of strangers. She has to wear her dress up around her ears at all times and be easily accessible from every angle. She has to paint her nipples and so on to be sexier. She is there willingly. Her lover gives her to his brother who brands her and pierces her labia with earrings with his name on them. Naturally they fall in love and it pains him greatly to watch his friends all fuck her and humiliate her in public. But, alas, he is a man and must look cool in front of his friends. WTF??? I repeat WTF??? I think its like a 9 and 1/2 weeks type of deal to show how some stupid women will do anything for love/sex. Did I mention the movie is from the seventies, badly dubbed and lots of pubic hair. Good times!

I am anxiously the release of Harry Potter 3. I heard a while ago that they were going to redo Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory, casting Johnny Depp as Mr. Wonka. Awesome! As long as Charlie is not portrayed by Haley Joel Osment, droopy eyed, flailing around moaning "I see small, green people."
Any suggestions are welcome. I especially like thrillers and comedies.


Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. . –Clark Griswold, Christmas Vacation [1989]

I know it's not Christmas, but this is one of the all-time best movies.