Shitstorm

Everyone has been sick with a horrible flu. I wrote a haiku to commemorate the event.

Everyone is sick
Projectiling everywhere
Sleeping near toilets

Apparently the post office is thinking of striking by Dec. 8th. Is this some new Christmas tradition? What's that? Another haiku you say? Okay.

Canada Post sucks
Always striking at Christmas
Yet Greyhound is worse

Here is one more about deworming the cat.

Wrapped in a blanket
Foam, spit, howls, tears, even blood
Kitten is mad too

A Memory to Cherish

When I was about 16, my mom used to have this massager thing with rubber attachments for your back, feet, neck, etc. She let Dad have it for his neck. One day, Dad, my brother and I are sitting in Waddy's Restaurant and, just as the waitress shows up to take our order, he says "I've been feeling so much better since I've been using your mother's vibrator!"

Fun in the Kitchen with Trixi

If you like chocolate, hazelnuts and sex, you must try a Kinder Bueno bar. (insert visual of Homer Simpson-type drool here)

I found a recipe for Cat Shit Cookies on the internet this morning. Not made of cat shit, but look the part. Lightly rolled in grape nuts no less (to simulate litter) and with a variety of add ins to compliment the look you are going for. Eg. chocolate chunks (shit chunks), butterscotch chips (diarrhea), coconut (worms), corn (who the fuck feeds their cat corn?) and so on. There are two base recipes so you can pick the overall shit-shade, chocolate or gingerbread. I'll be sure to file these Shit Cookies in my recipe box in between Vomit Soups and VD Smoothies.

Vomit Soups:

Mexican Fiesta
Beef Stew Redux
Bologna Minestrone
Chinese Up-Chuckwagon

VD Smoothies:

Pus Plus Plum
Tri-Fruit-Moniasis
Chlam-and-Beer (alcoholic)
Ginger-Wart-Warm-Up
Gonorrhea With the Wind (a breezy summer drink)
Crabba Java Cooler
Herpe Slurpee

Power Smoothies:

Syphilitic Citrus Burn
Discharge Recharger
Hepa-titan

Other Fun Recipes:

Mullet Chops
Grilled Cheese Snatchwiches (ham optional)
Bubble and Squeak (really bubbles and squeaks!)
Finger Bangers and Mash (bangers are British sausages you pervert)


Today's Words:

Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness -Chuang Tzu

asphinctersayswhat

I'm going crazy! I can't wait to start Christmas stuff but have made a personal vow to abstain until December out of respect for the man I love. It's ssssooo haaard. Why can't I have a job being a professional present-wrapper or Christmas tree decorator? I'd do it for free but that would probably worry people. "Hi, can I come in your house and make it look festive and wrap all your presents so they look pretty? Please?" I figure it's ok to start decorating early if no one else cares and I'm home so damn much anyways. I don't, however, appreciate department stores putting Xmas trees up before Halloween or playing carols before Dec. 1. I'm nutty but not completely insane. Falalalala lala la la.

Yesterday I went into the video store and the genius behind the counter tried to charge me $21.40 in late charges for a dvd I didn't rent. I supposedly rented it October 23 and returned it on the 31. I've been there 3 or 4 times since and this is the first I've heard of it. Also I DIDN'T RENT IT! I think I would know. I politely explained that I usually do all the renting and I would have noticed. I refused to pay him until I checked with Ken, to be fair. I asked him if he could help me locate the new release so I knew what he talking about. Perhaps it would ring a bell if I knew who was in it or something. He couldn't find it. Of course he couldn't because after I got home and looked on the net I discovered IT HASN'T BEEN RELEASED YET. Today I went back and after waiting an acceptable amount of time (he was showing me who's boss) I explained this. He thrust a receipt at me clearing my debt and said "There!" like it was my fault he's a moron and didn't even know what the hell movies he has out for rent. What an asshole. Yesterday was the first time I ever laid eyes on him but I noticed today that his little name tag said SUPERVISOR. Of course it did. I'm almost tempted to rent at the other video store, but I think we have late charges there from 8 months ago.

Is there anything less sexy than a porn star with visible hemorrhoids? If there is, please DON'T tell me what it is.

Quotes of the day:

Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an anti-gay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. -Judy Carter

Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

YIKES! -Tracy Berndt ( in response to the above quote)

(....)... ?

I've had These Boots Were Made For Walking stuck in my head for 3 days. Damn Shrek 2 and Far Far Away Idol! I know, I'm a geek. That's ok though because I've accepted it and am not ashamed! I will not hide anymore! I am free! whatever

My 8 month old daughter is turning around and around (and around and around) in her exersaucer while holding a giant green salad spoon shaped like a cartoon hand. Who needs tv?

I try not to talk too much about her here because people who yammer on and on about their kids irritate me. Now, if a bunch of moms are sitting around exchanging tales, that's another story. Especially labour stories- I always win (44 hours and a plane ride.) I do mention her from time to time because she is involved in 98% of my daily activities. My biggest pet peeve is when I'm on the phone with someone and they say "Here, talk to my baby." Aaargh! I never do that. Besides Kitten is much better at phone-speak than any baby.

Something that always bothers me in punctuation is the whole bracket or quotation mark at the end of a sentence ordeal. If I remember correctly, the ) or the" is at the very end of the sentence. I think it makes more sense to put the period last signifying the very END of the statement. I really can't remember the rules. Sometimes I'm tempted to put the period twice, just to cover all the bases. But that could get out of control in a hurry.

I want to rant about my mom a bit. When she left here after her last visit she decided she would try to call me every day. Not realistic, but a nice effort was made. For about a week. I haven't talked to her in a week and that's only because I call her. I know she has a hectic work schedule but it pisses me off. I called today and less than 2 minutes into the conversation she passes the phone to my aunt and takes off. She tried to pass me to my uncle and my brother but I deflected. I talked to her for 1 minute and then she passed the phone to my sister-in-law because she had her hands in dishwater. While talking to Ness, someone else needed the phone and we had to hang up. I heard mom yell in the background that she would call me back. Right. Later when she complains that I never call her, I hope she remembers the dishes that were so important. I know how trivial this must sound but I don't care. It happens all the time.

For reasons I don't feel like explaining I was thinking about break-up rules. I just always assumed when you are with someone, naked, there is a certain etiquette to be followed. I'm not talking about one-nighters (those are to be enjoyed at your own risk), but relationship-type situations. For instance, no matter how mad you are the ex that is seemingly ruining your otherwise peaceful existence, you don't resort to personal attacks on that person's physical appearance and/or hygiene.
You never say:
1. Your penis is too small.
2. Your boobs are uneven.
3. You're fat.
4. Your birthmark in the shape of Satan really creeps me out.
5. You give the worst head I've ever had.
6. The cottage cheese on your ass/thighs makes me want to throw up.
7. You're breath smells like you've been sucking air through assholes.

Well maybe you do. I just try and avoid the really big hurts because you can NEVER take them back. I grew up with 3 brothers and I still remember some of their insults. And it still hurts.

Today's wise words:
Watch out where the huskies go
An' don't you eat that yellow snow -Frank Zappa

SONOVABITCH

My baby broke my eye! Seriously. She scratched my cornea, right across the middle, a couple of months ago. Apparently, after two weeks of eyedrops and goop, and two doctors later, I am now eligible for step 2. SALT drops in my eye for a month. Then a checkup, and probably several more months of this. If it sounds painful it is. According to the doctor here, I might have blurry vision for the rest of my life. But don't worry, there is a silver lining... I could probably fix it with a mere CORNEA SCRAPE. Mmmmm. Can't wait.

Eyeball stuff doesn't bother me (when it's someone else's eyes of course) like it does alot of people. I used to want to be an opthamologist for years but figured my hands were not steady enough to perform any type of surgery. Needles don't bug me either. I like to watch. I found myself getting queasy yesterday while hearing about someone's ankle being reduced to puree after falling down some stairs. That was a bit surprising as I'm not generally queasy. If I remember correctly, crunched-up and/or bleeding ankles have bothered me since I was very small. Other things that bother me are bees (probably because I am allergic) and teeth. Teeth totally wig me out. Kudos to dentists for having the stomach- those sick bastards. I am a clencher in my sleep. I thought it was normal to wake up with a sore jaw until I was about 17. I always have nightmares about my teeth falling out, although considerably less now that I sleep with a guard. Unless you've experienced a tooth nightmare there is no way you can understand the absolute horror of it. A few years ago a piece of tooth just fell off, then another. My dentist said I was literally clenching my teeth to pieces. This probably explains why these dreams are so awful. And real.

Put the oven on fire yesterday. Who knew honey garlic was so flammable? Kind of like burning marshmallows. Must be all the sugar. Flooded the coffee pot today. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

People I hate today:
Assholes at the Passport Office
Girl who rang me through at IGA yesterday
People who continually send me emails to"brighten my day, please send back" and haven't noticed that I NEVER send anything back
Whoever keeps claiming that Angelina Jolie is the sexiest woman alive (not hate, serious annoyance and some mild distrust)
Michael Moore (this has nothing to do with politics, I just don't like him)
Anyone who had anything to do with that Pepto Bismal commercial where everyone does a Macarena-like dance and holds their asses

People I find interesting this week:
Ken Jennings (wicked fast smarty-pants, I gotta respect that a little)

Movies I've seen lately:
Shrek 2- Awesome. Puss in Boots had me on the floor.
Harry Potter 3- Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
Stepford Wives- Ehhh. Okay but a bit of a letdown.
Van Helsing: Glad I saw it. Never need to see it again.
Power of One- Probably would have been very good if I hadn't read the book and know how the STORY REALLY GOES! BASTARDS!

Quotes:
-You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person who you cannot live without. (unknown)
-Insanity in individuals is something rare- but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. (Friedrich Nietzche)

Favorite lyrics:
-Well, the rain exploded with a mighty crash as we fell into the sun... (Band on the Run, Wings)