My Thesis on Crappy Literature

I've never been able to understand the whole reading on the toilet phenomenon. Some people will be racing around, butt-cheeks clenched, eyes manic, demanding reading material. If you ask them what for? they're bound to reply "It helps me to relax." I'm no expert, but if you're in that much of a frenzy that you'll read anything, you don't need to relax, you need to take a crap first. There is literature specifically written for the event. Has everyone read the Uncle John's Bathroom Readers? I'm going to start a Blog called Aunt Flo's Bathroom Blog -We Put The Log in Blog (or do we work it out?) Sorry, I crossed the line there.
If I do a cross word every night before bed, before long I get tired everytime I start one. Do people have to shit every time they read the paper. And that's another thing! Have you ever seen the asshole who takes the complementary newspaper in Denny's to the can and brings it back in 15 min. Ewww.