So Cruel

Since when have they been playing U2 on the Classic Rock station/t.v. listings channel? Does this make anyone else feel old? I live in a constant state of trying-not-to-feel-old because Ken thinks I'm ridiculous, and now this! Omigod. I just had a thought. Perhaps my choice in a mate relates to my fascination with Peter Pan. Never mind. That's a whole other issue entirely. Maybe they should just change the name of the station to Tired Overplayed Songs More Than Ten Years Old. I don't even really enjoy classic rock anymore, the same songs are always always always playing. I have to be in the mood for Pink Floyd (quasi-suicidal) and the Beatles are even starting to wear thin. If I hear anymore AC/DC, new or old- it's all the same, I'm going to kill everyone. Trooper makes my skin crawl, but that's likely the result of living at the bar in my early twenties. The dj was stuck in a time warp of his own, and still is, if anyone's interested.

When I want to freak my Mom out, I sing Lemon at her.

If any uses my love for Peter Pan to compare me to Michael Jackson, they WILL get a carving knife through the tongue.

Have a good day.

Oh Mama!

Sometimes I can't believe I'm a mother. Especially when my current favorite food is canned ham sandwiches and campbells cup-a-soup. I have no milk or bread in the house and am really only dragging my butt to the store because we're almost out of creamo. I let my daughter fall asleep on the couch last night while I watched t.v. After a story, of course, I'm not an animal. When I went to bed I moved her to her bed, only to move her back to my bed a few minutes later because I was lonely. I've never done that before. I wonder if it's because I'm pregnant. When I was pregnant with Celia, Kitten moved into the bed and I slept wrapped around her for months.

Quizzy

Since Jen seems to be Blog-challenged as of late, I thought I would carry the torch for a while. It occurs to me that she's probably the only one who visits my Blog that would even do this. I picked this one so that Ken would play too.

You Belong in Milan

Stylish and sophisticated, you want to enjoy a truly European life - away from tourists! Milan fits you perfectly. Great shopping, high quality food, lots of culture... with very little hype.

What European City Do You Belong In?

Right on. This things are brilliant!

Of course a little hype never hurt.


So I figure my kid has discovered a clever new way to destroy the world. I call it Death By Dora.
Voy a matarme. I think that's pretty close to "I'm going to kill myself" in Spanish.

It Was Funny Before Coffee

I'm sure we can all relate to this one. And I'm a girl!

Bird Brains

I'm sure almost everyone has experienced a bird crashing into the window when they were sitting right in front of it. Kind of unpleasant. This morning a bird crashed so hard it left a trail of flesh, brains, and possibly an eyeball dribbling down my kitchen window. If the thought of liver and jello grosses you out, imagine it over your morning coffee. The weirdest part of it all was when I went out to clean it up, by flinging cups of water at the window, there was no sign of it anywhere. I cannot believe it flew away with a mere nosebleed, this thing had to have had it's head on backwards. Maybe I didn't give it credit for bouncing as far as it did. Tomorrow I will have to have a more thorough look so the cats don't make a mess. I know I sound like a gross old meanie describing all the gore, but it shocked me a little. It made me sad too.
It reminded me of this poem which, incidentally, I never liked:


"Who killed Cock Robin?" "I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow, I killed Cock Robin."
"Who saw him die?" "I," said the Fly,
"With my little eye, I saw him die."
"Who caught his blood?" "I," said the Fish,
"With my little dish, I caught his blood."
"Who'll make the shroud?" "I," said the Beetle,
"With my thread and needle, I'll make the shroud."
"Who'll dig his grave?" "I," said the Owl,
"With my pick and shovel, I'll dig his grave."
"Who'll be the parson?" "I," said the Rook,
"With my little book, I'll be the parson."
"Who'll be the clerk?" "I," said the Lark,
"If it's not in the dark, I'll be the clerk."
"Who'll carry the link?" "I," said the Linnet,
"I'll fetch it in a minute, I'll carry the link."
"Who'll be chief mourner?" "I," said the Dove,
"I mourn for my love, I'll be chief mourner."
"Who'll carry the coffin?" "I," said the Kite,
"If it's not through the night, I'll carry the coffin."
"Who'll bear the pall? "We," said the Wren,
"Both the cock and the hen, we'll bear the pall."
"Who'll sing a psalm?" "I," said the Thrush,
"As she sat on a bush, I'll sing a psalm."
"Who'll toll the bell?" "I," said the bull,
"Because I can pull, I'll toll the bell."
All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing,
When they heard the bell toll for poor Cock Robin.

I just discovered that it was probably written about Robin Hood. This makes it a little more likeable.

Petty Ponderings

I used to be able to write up a Blog over three or four cups of coffee back-to-back. Now I have only my Lucky Charms for inspiration. Somebody should invent a caffienated cereal. Or at least a decaf coffee flavoured cereal. Remember Drew Carey's coffee-flavoured beer? Now we're talking. Things that taste like other things and have no nutritional value. Rock on! If you're finding this morning's entry a little scattered, it is. And what the hell is wrong with this keyboard? It's like I've totally forgotten how to type and I keep bumping the touch pad and jumping back to the middle of the previously sentence.

I just remembered that I love Tom Petty, hence the look-alike pic of Spike the dog above. It's just that I never ever listen to him anymore because Ken really hates him. So yesterday, after an entire Petty song played on the radio without retribution, I made a mental note to download everything. I kind of have to marvel at myself though. I can't stand whiny, nasal vocals, (e.g. Bob Dylan, Red Hot Chili Peppers) and I don't smoke pot, yet I love love love Tom Petty. I may need my own IPOD after this. Hell, I'm gonna need my own wheels after this! But only if I get the radio, after all, it has the all 80's station on it, and that just makes Ken have violent thoughts about hairspray-bombs. Remember the music video for Don't Come Around Here No More? Petty was the Mad Hatter and Alice was on a table, made of cake, her head and possibly her arms and legs flopping around, and the Hatter cuts her into squares and serves her to the tea guests. I thought it was creative. Of course, all the feminists freaked out about Tom "eating" Alice. I have to admit, the first and only time I thought about this in a sexual way was when I read about it and saw the words eating Alice on Pop-up Video. Feminists, bah!

I finally listened to the new Madonna cd, more out of morbid curiosity than anything. I used to like her music alot, then it was hit and miss, and now it's one or two decent songs on an album full of background music. I read a few of her bios and had to admire her business sense. Now I only think three things: 1.What the holy hell is up with that fake accent? 2.What the holy-hell is up with her butt? 3.I'd respect her more if she quit trying to act.

I just got back from a mini-holiday in Vernon. It was fun but an awful lot of driving for such a short trip. Cripes, the trip is long when you a are passenger for the entire duration! I won't get into specifics this trip, as I haven't had the complete mental meltdown that usually ensures, although that may be a current work in progress. What I really want to know is: How could I only be there for three days and have spent so damn much money? All I bought was some soap and peaches. Is it possible I paid $492 in tax?

1988-1991 Revisited

I always bitch about how 90's music sucks hardcore, especially when compared to the happy tunes from the eighties. I had to rethink this yesterday while alone in the car, screaming along to satellite radio. Most of the eighties stuff I like, and there are alot of good nineties songs I tend to forget about. After I graduated there was some decent music around and that was still the nineties. I've narrowed the truly terrible music down to about four strongly, abusive years. Think 1988 to about 1991. Remember these songs: Don't Worry Be Happy, Wishing Well, Pump Up the Jam, Buffalo Stance, Wild Thing (Tone-Loc) and Walk the Dinosaur. Quickly taking over the world at this time were artists (I use this term loosely) like MC Hammer, Bobby Brown and Vanilla Ice. Meanwhile the assault of the hairbands went on and on. And on. Bad English, Warrant, Aerosmith, Skid Row, Guns'N'Roses, LA Guns and Motley Crew just off the top of my head. It seemed the radio played requests 24 hours a day and Kasey Kasem owned the airwaves. The clothes at this time were equally atrocious. I had a girlfriend who consistently wore three different color pairs of slouch-socks together (all neon) so she had a veritable rainbow above her Ked-clad feet, and her jeans were pinch-rolled and tucked into the socks. Each pair of socks matched something else on her body, a t-shirt, a tank-top under the t-shirt, a scrunchy, etc. This girl was the pinnacle of fashion and envied by all. This was no mean feat. Have you ever tried to pinch-roll a pair of hammer-pants? While this mutation of the eighties was going on, grunge was just beginning. So after hours of careful color coordinating, one might throw a grey plaid shirt over everthing, tied at the waist of course. Eww eww eww. Although there were several good movies released during this time, and I am only focusing on the negative, because that's how I remember this time in my life, I will just say this : You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? I rest my case. The top shows on the t.v were Alf, My Two Dads, Roseanne, and Blossom. Leave us not forget The Arsenio Hall Show. Ahem. This whole era of error was a disaster, a stain in my life. The only memories I can muster from this dismal time are ones of hanging out at the graveyard, learning to smoke, marvelling at the movie Colors, and of course, listening to the radio. I cannot help but feel deeply ashamed.

The Short Lived Cartoon: Hammerman

We're Swingin' Now

I learned a cool new word: Coxswain
It means "a person who usually steers a ship's boat and has charge of its crew" or "a person in a racing shell who usually directs the rest of the crew." Thus it can be used to refer to a leader or superviser, etc. It is the noun and the verb. I think that's awesome. From now on when people ask what Ken does, that's what I'll tell them. Oh, he's a coxswain over at the mill. Notice how much it sounds like cock-swing?

DoubleBubbleBums

I had to post this. Had to.

Smorg-ass-bored

Can anyone tell me when all the peanut M&Ms became yellow? What is this about and why didn't I get to vote? I hate yellow! It's like snacking on a 2lb bag of corn! I mean a 45 gram bag. Whatever. I know they all supposedly taste the same, but if I had a choice, blue would be my preference. It's pretty and whenever you walk around with a blue mouth people have to wonder what you've been eating. I usually tell them I just had a hot dog and walk away. I bet some happy-go-lucky pothead hippy decided yellow was "happier" because it was the color of sunshine. Ya, and pee. Especially after a multivitamin!

I see they arrested someone in the JonBenet Ramsey case. At this point I don't even care. Sure, it's a sad thing that happened, but the whole thing has been turned into a huge media mess and a grand show of incompetence. Is there anyone who wasn't a suspect? I'm certainly not saying anyone deserved such tragedy, but if you ask me, anyone who puts their child through that kind of crap has something wrong with them already. Who puts a 5 year old in control-top pantyhose and false eyelashes and parades them around for cash. Probably the same clan of psychos who distributes the shiny metallic bra and panty sets in toddler sizes. Yes, you heard me, toddler bras! When Celia turns three we are putting a pole in the basement and she can finally learn a trade that everyone appreciates. Silly rabbit, trix are for kids.

I was thinking I should be keeping a log of good books that have been made into good movies, etc. Here's what I have so far:

Good Books To Good Movies:
Memoirs Of A Geisha
Five People You Meet In Heaven
Dreamcatcher
A Tree Grows In Brooklyn
A Christmas Carol (of course there are terribles versions of this too)
Rita Hayworth & the Shawshank Redemption
Party Monster
The Green Mile
The Stand (but I think it's ready for a remake)
The Harry Potter Movies
The Color Purple
Ichabod Crane & the Legend of Sleepy Hollow
Narnia (I actually haven't read the books but I hear from everyone they're good)
Bridget Jones (both)
The Lord of the Rings (All, but the first book was a little hard to get through, introductions to places and species, etc. Lots of footnotes)

Good Books To Mediocre Movies:
Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (I think I like the old movie better)
White Oleander
Peter Pan
The Power of One
Bloodwork
The Clan of the Cave Bear

Good Books To Atrocious Movies:
every Alice in Wonderland movie ever made
most of the older movies based on Stephen King books

Books That Would Make Good Movies:
The Talisman
The Secret Life of Bees
The Poisonwood Bible
Anything by Bryce Courtenay
The Catcher in the Rye

Mediocre/Awful Books That Made Better Movies:
The First Wives Club (trust me, the movie was a treat after the horrificness that was the book -imagine shit-sculptures. No shit!)
The Man in the Iron Mask
In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash (A Christmas Story)
The Sound Of Music
The Princess Bride
Beaches (shut up)
A Series of Unfortunate Events (not the greatest movie, but not bad)

Books That are Totally Overrated:
Tuesdays With Morrie (let me die)
The Lovely Bones

Great Movies, Now I Need To Read The Books:
Hotel Rwanda

I think I'll try and keep this list updated.

What kind of name is JonBenet anyway? Poor kid.

LMAO QT

Here are some pics of my happy girl.

Update

I can't believe I remembered my user name, it's been so long. I figured I should start blogging again when I meant to drop a friend a quick email and it turned into a novella. That and Ken's been riding me about it. Bitch bitch bitch, meep meep meep, and so on. Anyways, I'm sure I've got lots of stuff to talk about now.
....
hmmmm

Okay! I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned that I'm pregnant. YA baby, five months now. Part of the reason for not blogging for so long was the constant need to vomit and the required trips from the couch to the hospital where I would receive poorly executed IVs everyday to keep from passing out from dehydration. I looked like a regular junkie. Especially sexy to my husband who has an aversion to anything needle related. I won't get into it. Following that, I had a really good holiday in BC, as usual resulting in weeping in the car all the way back to High Prairie. I'm feeling tons better now, just really tired. Let me rephrase that, REALLY FUCKING TIRED!!! More than the first trimester. Could be something to do with my chronic insomnia, paired up with my loud asshole neighbours. That, and the two and a half year old I chase around every day.

Celia's been a very good girl, and only gets cuter. She has a kind of accent when she speaks and she can commmunicate pretty well now. For example, this morning I scolded her for licking the butter off of the muffin and ignoring the rest. She repeats this: Eat teh nuffin not teh buller. She says please and thank you and is constantly demanding kisses and bear hugs. She counts to five, says I love you, reads along with her stories, is totally potty-trained, and can role play with dolls or little people. Of course her favorite thing is eating fruit snacks in front of the damn t.v. I was giving her a cuddle this morning and wondering what on earth I will do when all my kids are too big to let me smelll their hair. It's not like I can go around smelling strangers when I walk around town. Often they smell terrible, and it's not as easy as you might think.

Joe's abandoned us for a life of sheer bliss on the island. On the island with his TWO BMWs. Selfish bastard. I don't even have one Beamer or a lake here. I do have a contraption you put in the tub and it blows jacuzzi-like bubbles up your ass. But it makes the water cold really fast. So now, we've begged, pleaded, and finally convinced Nessy to move in with us for a few months. Celia adores her and it will be nice to have her here for Christmas and when the new baby comes. I'm excited to have a friend here and Ken's excited because he's finally starting that harem he's always wanted. FYI, if you'd like to apply for a position, it helps if you can cook. Also, be sure to mention cheese alot on the application form!


In other news:
-My stereo is broken.
-I started selling AVON.
-I broke my cool Badger mug.
-None of my parents call me anymore.
-I can drink coffee again (in small doses, of course) if I don't smell it brewing.
-I have officially read everything and am in fact waiting for Amazon to receive something new. I am currently rereading a bunch of my old books. It helps that I have zero memory for things like that, just a vague familiarity. Right Jen?
-There is nothing good on t.v.
-I am currently looking for some new good music and am open to suggestions. Just don't recommend anything super heavy e.g. Ministry.
-My ex-boss recently asked me if I swallowed a watermelon.
-I can't post any damn pics right now, I keep getting an ERROR so I will do it later.