Halloweenies

We finally carved our jack-o-lanterns. For lack of imagination, I carved mine into a moon silhouetting a raven. (I'm reading The Dark Tower series.) I did a funny skeleton on the back. We did them double-sided so Celia could enjoy them in the house and they would be visible outside too. Ken did a bat (ala Batman) and an apple (ala the ipod)

Much to her delight, Celia dressed up as Tigger (again) today. Earlier, in the coffee shop, she roared at everyone. Usually she just barks. We only took her to two houses to trick-or-treat. It was more about the sport of it than the actual collecting of Rohypnol-laced junk food. She also liked handing out the candy and laughing at the kids' costumes. Ken's cat spent the night trying to make his great escape and everytime the doorbell rang he went to the door. Pretty exciting Halloween. I played with Ken's camera a little and am pretty pleased with the way my raven turned out.















I recently remembered how much work it is keeping up with the Smythes' holiday decorating antics. Damn! Next year for Halloween I'm boarding up the windows and painting the house black. In the meantime, I'll have to put more energy into Christmas. Ya, like that's even possible. Now where on earth did I put my santa-head disco ball?

Penis Envy

I received a very lovely bouquet flowers on Friday! I'm pretty sure this is because I'm a domestic goddess. Either that or it's because I bitched and moaned and stamped my feet. Doubtful. But anything's possible. Actually, the real reason made me cry, just a little.

Since I've been home things have gone relatively well. I feel happy and hopeful and have been able to start organizing and cleaning with a little more focus. This is a good thing. Of course, I'm no miracle worker. I've also tried to devote a little more time to reading. I have a stack of books that I have vowed to get through before I purchase any more books. Wish me luck. There's always one that sits there for a year before I'm in the mood to read it. Right now it's Dickens' David Copperfield. If anyone has anything good to say about it, let me know. A good review is always motivating for me.
My current "stack" includes:

The Drawing of the Three, Stephen King
Henry Sugar & Six More, Roald Dahl
Galveston, Paul Quarrington
Life of Pi, Yann Martel
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Frank Baum
The Lord of the Flies, William Golding (again)
Introducing Nietzsche, Gane & Chan
Daring Missions of World War 2, Breuer
David Copperfield, Dickens

I also have to finish:

Barry Trotter & the Unfortunate Sequel, Michael Gerber
In God We Trust- All Others Pay Cash, Jean Shepherd (aka A Christmas Story)

plus the assorted toilet training, parenting thingies.

The next dozen books I want is already planned out and written down but not all are in paperback yet. I think the worst thing about dying will be leaving unfinished/unread books behind. It will really piss me off. With my luck, the waiting room to the pearly gates will be filled with crappy books by female authors.(Yes, I'm author-sexist) Hey, I'm Catholic, maybe I just figured out Purgatory! You have to read all the V.C. Andrews books, in the wrong order!


I found a sight devoted to interesting facts. For instance, the barnacle has the largest penis compared to it's size. It can be more than 20 times it's length. This is so it can pop next door and give it's neighbour a friendly poke. Just think of the possibilities of a man with those proportions. He could do the dishes or mow the lawn (a little risky) while tending to his husbandly duties. More than likely he'd use it to pee out on the lawn while playing Counterstrike.

Did you know that billy goats urinate on themselves to make themselves more attractive to the females? I bet they do it in the shower!

Premeditated Coffee and Hijacked Sex in the City

I remember when I thought Ken's cowboy hat, bald head, and mustache phase was bad. Two words: Handlebar Bumstache.

Tonight I got an email from Telus about a copyright infringement. I was caught downloading (and consequently uploading) Sex and the City. FUCK YOU I say! Have you ever heard of Joe Consumer? Well that's me. I'm the perfect example. I love to purchase! I download, try it out, often purchase, and recommend. That's a guaranteed satisfied customer. Assholes.

Today, before he left for work, Ken set the coffemaker to brew me fresh jump-juice at 10am. A small, not-too-time-consuming gesture that made my day. It's exactly what I think living with a person is all about. The little things. Leaning over on the couch and resting your head on your "signifigant other" or rolling over in bed and giving a friendly punch in the face while he's sleeping. Just to make sure he's still there.


Did you hear about the Irishman that put a condom on the wrong way round?
He went!

As per Jen's comment Oct. 11...

Just for fun I found a video game with a Hero named Joe.

Hither and Yawn

This morning I woke up to Ken cracking his butt-knuckles. Unless you know, don't ask!

I saw a ridiculous greeting card yesterday that reminded me of Patrick. It was just a little blank card with a tin (yes tin) kitty on the front and under the kitty it said: What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew?

We went to Edmonton and bought EVERYTHING! As usual, I drove home with a shopping hangover. Again, if you don't know, don't ask. I went a little crazy in IKEA and bought their entire supply of gift wrap. Woohoo! Too bad there's not alot of paying jobs as a gift wrapper. Seriously, it's my forte.

On the way home I also bought Walmart's entire supply of Campbell's Hot & Sour Noodle Soup. All 29 of them. The cashier actually asked me if I liked that soup. "No dumbass. I'm going to give it to the trick-or-treaters. Give those little shits some culture."

Speaking of Halloween, I thought of a good (ok, not good) costume. Simple (but sexy) little black dress, sparkly wings, and a big foam mug-of-beer hat. 10,000,000 points to whoever guesses what I am.

I just watched my first episode of Kenny vs Spenny. Of course it was the whocanstaynakedthelongest contest. Funnneeeee! I didn't quite get why there was a travelling band of leather-bound fellows carrying metal bats involved, but it was totally worth it! Ken and Sarah kept saying that the one naked guy looked like my brother. Wigged me out a little. Distracting. Eww.

Dil-don't Be Afraid to Answer Honestly

You know when you mix different groups of friends together and a conversation that is acceptable for one may not be as comfortable for another?

A bunch of us went for dinner at a Tapas Bar the night of my stagette. At the table was a good mix of people. My friend Carrie, who is just going through her second divorce, started asking everyone if they had vibrators. I thought Nessy was going to choke on her Alfredo! Although I can be very candid with some friends, Nessy has been with my brother for the last 7 years and sex is not a topic we get into, so I really don't know how open she is about stuff. So I lightened the moment and told everyone that I didn't, but Ken did.

Later, some of the girls were bitching about pms, cramps and childbirth and how unfair it is to be a woman. "What advantages do we have over men?"
I wasn't really in the conversation but I answered "We can pee on them and tell them it was a g-spot orgasm!" Of course I was joking but I altered some opinions of me forever.

Hey, sometimes we gotta make our own fun!

Vernonitis

I used to have a friend who affectionately referred to me as a stressbasket. I think stressgrenade is a bit more realistic.

I've gained 5 pounds and today I bought the first tube of Clearasil since I was 16. My baby is nuts. Ken doesn't miss me anymore. Both my Grandmas are trying to CHANGE my wedding. They call all the time and one is mad that the other keeps calling her looking for me. My brother is never talking to me again over a conversation I didn't even know about. I have three or four things I've been trying to resolve for a month and every time I get close to a solution it gets fucked up. I feel like instead of getting some support or help I have a bunch of people telling me how they would do it better. I can't complain because I'm "the one who wanted a wedding" That's almost as comforting as "I told you so." But not quite.

Sometimes I wish the whole world would just climb up it's own ass and die.

On the whole I feel pretty good.

Last night I went to bed at two and Celia decided that four would be a good time to start her day. A few hours later I finally got her to calm down and dozed off just long enough to have a horrible nightmare. I woke up wishing Joe was around to hug because in my dream he was the only one who was nice to me! No pressure, Joe!!

I went to the movies and saw The Wedding Crashers and it was pretty funny. Vince Vaughn is big, dopey, sleazy and a little overweight. I'm sooo going to start stalking him when Ken dumps me for spending too much time in Vernon!

I went to the doctor today with Celia and he looked up her nose and said something about snotburgers. Awesome. Apparently the chorus of death rattles between the two of us is nothing to worry about. I knew it. I had to listen to my mom though, so as not to risk the guilt of an unneccessarily sick kiddo. I was a little disappointed to hear that bleeding from my ear is just something I should get used to. When people ask me why my brains are leaking out of my head I tell them "Because it's sexy, stupid"


I think my future mother-in-law is trying to kill me.

This is it. I'm starting to lose it. Frankly I'm surprised I lasted this long.

Mental Disablahblahblah

People keep saying things to me about how happy I seem since I've been here because there's things to do and people to see and stuff. Everyone thinks it's great because it means I'm not really depressed, just unhappy with my life and my home etc. The good news is it's not physical, it's mental! Yee-fucking-haw, I say. What the hell? Am I supposed to feel good about this?? What would everyone have me do, pack up and leave High Prairie by myself? I love Ken waaay more than I hate High Prairie and I'd never expect him to give up a good job for me. It's not an option. If he were to decide it was in our best interest that would be different and that might be great. But, who's to say things would be any better somewhere else? Maybe I'm just not crying and moping around the house because I don't have any privacy here. Maybe everyone else around here has such fucked up shit that mine doesn't seem so bad. Maybe if I let myself get sad I know I'll have to stay sad until my honey comes and puts Humpty back together again. Hah! I do know that I'm going to LOSE MY FUCKING MIND if this baby keeps on like she has for the last 3 days. Yay for Aunty Nessy coming tomorrow! It would be better if I had wheels here, that's for sure. My mom works everyday and tonight my dad came to take us for dinner and the carseat couldn't be tethered to his vehicle. We ordered in and Celia decided to make strange. This kid has never been shy in her little life and tonight she screamed bloody murder the whole time my dad and sibs were here. I felt bad. I think my dad felt bad because he left his jacket and cell phone here and lives out of town and has to come back tomorrow. Celia won't sleep or eat or let me change her. She finally passed out upstairs and now I have to move her and she'll wake up and be up all friggen night.
Wow, what a rant! I need to periodically spew and then I feel great. Like a blog-enema! Have I mentioned this before? It sounds familiar.

Maybe if I change my hair I'll feel better.

In the meantime, I think I'll snoop around ebay until it's way past my bedtime. Mmmmm....ebay.

Celia & Max

Eye Candy

Love it. Love it. Love it.

http://www.pbase.com/accl/hong_kong

Booya!

Life plan of the immediate future:

Survive wedding
Survive wedding night
Survive New Years in Vernon
Go to Cuba
Smoke cigars
Scuba dive
Learn to dance
Try not to cry coming home
Get knocked up

...serious

Just had my stagette and it was a blast! Dadadadadada da Tequila! Drank everyone under the table and wasn't even a little bit sick the next day. Woohoo! Pretty good considering how little I drink now. We came home a little earlier than I hoped but 2/3 of our little gang had the flu and/or a bad cold. Sexy! Anyone out there know Tenille? Pictures of her two-stepping to follow in the (hopefully) not-too distant future. Wheee!

Whatever else you may have heard is simply not true. In fact it's all a bold-faced lie. I wasn't even there.