Not Dead

I am not dead, just busy and/or lazy. By busy I mean, of course, Christmassy. Is that with one 's' or two? Either way I put the ass in it. Baby's a maniac and Ken's sicker than three dogs on a transit strike. I love Christmas and the way it makes mostly normal people do even supider things than usual. My grandma spent $65 on a new artificial tree when she has a perfectly nice (and fairly new) one in her bedroom closet. She did this because she didn't want to have to pull all her shoes out to get at it. Thus she spent three days running all over town trying to find the perfect, smaller tree. Granted, the woman has at least 100 pairs of shoes in there. It is a disease that has been passed to my mother but not to me. If they both die I will be up to my eyeballs in expensive shoes that are too small for me. I do have a weakness for black shoes but recognize that I will probably never wear most of them so can pass the rack without dropping any cash. I can't judge Grandma about the tree because I have enough Christmas cards to last me six years! That is until yesterday when I bought 2 more boxes. For next year. On sale. Drat! Maybe I can't judge, but I can blame. I get this compulsion to Christmas shop years in advance from my Grandma. Also, watching my Mom shopping at 7:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve inspires me to get everything bought before Dec. 15th if humanly possible. This year Ken will make a turkey again, at my request, and I will make a roast, at his, but not on the same day. I will also be making a black forest cheese cake. Mmmmmm. Two of my favorite things in the world. I wonder if Ken will let me eat it off of him. God bless us everyone!

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. -Clark (Christmas Vacation, 1989)

Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window. -Ralphie (Christmas Story, 1983)