Love is a Gentle Whip

Merry Christmas

2006-12-25T04:25:00.000-07:00

You might wonder what kind of loser blogs on Christmas day, especially at 4:27 am. One with chronic insomnia, that's who. Still no babies, so don't bother asking. I find I am barely able to focus on anything right now. Banking, avon, two-way conversations. I hope this gets better for me or I'm screwed! All I really want is to feel a little bit Christmassy, but I can't even do that right now. Santa is a few days behind schedule around here due to Ken & Nessy's jobs and the whole pending birth situation. I miss my parents. And I don't want to go to Edmonton again this week, which I'll have to do if I don't go into labor in the next 30 or so hours. Evidently my new laptop keyboard is going to take some getting used to as I keep adding extra ms and ns to every word. That's right, baby, Mama's got a new Ferrari!

Ridiculous

2006-12-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

http://www.myheritage.com

It Matters Not

2006-12-17T08:39:00.000-07:00

After commenting twice on Ken's Blog, to no avail, I realized it's not gonna work until he changes to the new Blogger. It's just as well. I hate political/religious stuff. It usually involves me doing research before I open my yap, and that's too much like work right now. As I sit here drinking my morning coffee in my new favorite mug (Starbucks Christmas Theme) I remember a quote I really like.

It matters not
Who you love
Where you love
Why you love
When you love
Or how you love
It matters only that you love.

John Lennon

Let me just say that if you are lucky enough to find someone you want to spend your life with, you should be able to marry them. For the record, I am the worst Catholic I know.

On a lighter, more pear-shaped note, there is still people living in me! I'm very, very pregnant. People say, how can you be very pregnant? You're either pregnant or you're not. Well come over here and say that, wiseass! Have you ever seen those cartoons where one character accidentally swallows another for a second and you can see their arms and legs waving under the stomach. Me. To top it off, I'm not recommended to have the baby here. But I can't really have anywhere else without a valid passport and $500, 000. It seems a Sunday in March (Celia's birthday) is not the only shitty time to have a kid around here.

Here is my list of recent movies that sucked balls:
The Wicker Man (started off well, then sucked)
Lady in the Water (sucked beyond comprehension)
The Wild (ripped off Madagascar, forgot the humour)
The Break Up (I officially now hate all Jennifer Aniston movies, even Vince couldn't save it)
Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (too long, not very funny, more disappointing than sucky)
The Devil Wears Prada (had potential, not remotely funny)

Lately, I find the movies I don't want to see are more satisfying to watch because, if they are remotely entertaining, I wasn't expecting it. E.g. Nacho Libre. The part where Jack Black is running in sweatpants almost killed me. If you've seen it, you'll understand. You just can't fake that. Like a car crash.

If anyone's interested, it is not recommended that a nine-month pregnant woman stand on an Ikea footstool. Ever.

I Had To

2006-12-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

Tracy Michelle Fenner's Aliases

Your movie star name: Popcorn Michael

Your fashion designer name is Tracy Venice

Your socialite name is Babby Dooter Victoria

Your fly girl / guy name is T Fen

Your detective name is Cat Seaton

Your barfly name is Jello Pornstar

Your soap opera name is Michelle Granville

Your rock star name is Chicken Feet Train

Your Star Wars name is Trapan Fenvin

Your punk rock band name is The Mellow Boobie Paperweight

The Amazing Meganame Generator

Yup, everything sounds about right!

Tired

2006-11-28T10:37:00.000-07:00

I'm soooo tired. Can a person die from tiredness? It's like every day I get more tired. Then I have a relatively energetic day and I know the next day I'm gonna pay. You'd think after weeks of insomnia and broken sleep, you'd catch up one night, right? Not so much. The best part is when you do muster the energy to drag your butt out of the hous, people think they are doing you a favor by clucking their tongues and telling you how dreadful you look. Gee thanks. If I needed that, I'd go stay at my grandma's house.

I've officially stopped watching LOST. The whole show just pisses me off and season three has been a letdown so far. It's like watching Days of Our Lives, but everyone is half naked.

Shows where characters should NOT be half naked:
Days of Our Lives
Sopranos
Frasier
Seinfeld
Harry Potter (not a t.v. show, but ewww!)
Anything involving Leno, Letterman, or Conan
Any cooking or home design show (hot oil & stapleguns)
Who Wants to be a Millionaire

CSI might be hit and miss. Hmmm. Anyway, Catherine already can't keep her cleavage out of the way. I swear every episode it gets longer. It must start somewhere around her navel and end in her middle-aged-neck-wrinkles. Maybe it's there to draw attention away from her bad lip-job?

Baby Banter

2006-11-27T18:23:00.000-07:00

Sooo, I totally suck. And I bitch when other people don't blog for a while. I guess I've just been too busy BUYING EVERYTHING ONLINE! Seriously, I'm outta control. I went to town alone today and shopped everywhere. It's boring here. It's friggen cold and there's snow everywhere and there's no point in doing my hair anymore. Even though I got a cool new style. If I go out, I wear a hat. I either need to start putting up Christmas crap, or this baby needs to come out. NOW! I feel pretty good for someone who never sleeps and looks exactly like I swallowed a basketball. Scratch that. Medicine ball is more accurate. That's what it feels like when I'm in bed and try to roll over without a pulley. I figure I'm due in three weeks. The doctor thinks four. Screw that, I say, I was there! There was no one else in the room. If there was, it would all be documented on video like any other saturday night in the Fenner household. I've not blogged partly because right now it's hard to focus on non-preggy things and I absolutely refuse to become one of those women who has to keep an online diary of everything from her morning sickness to her breast tenderness to her vaginal mucus. This annoying self proclaiming inevitably results in an online tribute to the baby. Like anyone, other than the new parents and grandparents, cares. Yeah, we have a baby blog. But it's just the occasional pictures, not a documentation of every milestone. Wheee, baby Herman had FOUR big poops today. Yippee! Now that I've offended at least some of you. I have to haul my bulging belly and my tender breasts to the kitchen to make dinner. Ciao!

Ode to Jen (or at least her geekiness!)

2006-11-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

Oh how I miss Jen! I watched LOST last night and was thoroughly distressed. I'm lucky to have caught it at all without Jen here to remind me when it's on. Jen, I don't know if you are following it still or waiting for the dvd. I don't want to ruin it, but they killed one of the best characters off! Bastards! Also, I'm not sure I'm liking this season so much thus far. And another thing, nobody here is up to date on the Harry Potter books, so when you-know-who #1 did that thing to you-know-who #2 in the last book I almost freaked out. I need counselling. I really do.

Stumped

2006-09-25T23:00:00.000-06:00

Dammit! I found the funniest pictures but they are plastered with copyright warnings as they belong to an "artist" or some crap. Imagine a guy, completely adorned with flowers, reclining in the woods with a stag's head and a huge semi-hard penis resting on his thigh. Or a guy half submerged in a pond, he's covered with peacock feathers and displays a hairy, flaccid dink bobbing in the mirrored water. Yeeaagh!

Just thought I'd check in. My creative juices have been thwarted so I'll have to come back in a day or so. Knock on woody.

Snakes Alive!

2006-09-16T18:48:00.000-06:00

Bedlam

2006-09-01T21:36:00.000-06:00

It turns out Ken is not the acrobat in bed I've been giving him credit for. It seems that he has not, in fact, been doing flips and cartwheels around the bed while I'm trying to sleep, he's just rolling over. After months (years?) of silently cursing into my pillow, it finally dawned on me. We need a new mattress. I'm so excited to buy one next week that I can hardly sleep. Har-dee-har. It will also be nice to not (hopefully) wake up with a gibbled back for a change. The tag on our mattress says guaranteed for 20 years but I'm pretty sure it was printed in the early seventies.

I'm officially useless now. I have to make Celia pull her wagon around town as a result of deep abdominal pains I get when pulling it. When she's a teeny bit bigger, I plan to ride in it! Hopefully, buy the time I am pregnant with my third (yes, it could happen) I will have enough kidpower to accomplish this. The only major drawback is the steering. Celia has inherited my inability to navigate a sidewalk without casualties. If you are walking next to me, I WILL crash into you. Everytime.

I just finished watching My Fair Lady. I saw it years ago and it is still fairly enchanting. I didn't even fast forward through all the songs. I also laughed my ass off. Of course I had to get a library card to get it because the video stores here suck balls to the tenth degree. For the record, I also like Oklahoma and The Sound Of Music. I remember enjoying The King and I when I was a kid, but it's been so long, that may have changed. For me to really enjoy a musical, it has to include catchy songs that are easy to sing along to. Like The Little Mermaid. Lyrics lyrics lyrics. This is why I fall asleep when Ken plays trance. I can't help it.

Oh Gramma!

2006-09-01T21:30:00.000-06:00

I have a Grandma who gave birth to six children in eight years. She still believes that heartburn during pregnancy is caused by the baby's hair (on it's head) tickling the mother's throat. How do people survive?

So Cruel

2006-08-31T15:05:00.000-06:00

Since when have they been playing U2 on the Classic Rock station/t.v. listings channel? Does this make anyone else feel old? I live in a constant state of trying-not-to-feel-old because Ken thinks I'm ridiculous, and now this! Omigod. I just had a thought. Perhaps my choice in a mate relates to my fascination with Peter Pan. Never mind. That's a whole other issue entirely. Maybe they should just change the name of the station to Tired Overplayed Songs More Than Ten Years Old. I don't even really enjoy classic rock anymore, the same songs are always always always playing. I have to be in the mood for Pink Floyd (quasi-suicidal) and the Beatles are even starting to wear thin. If I hear anymore AC/DC, new or old- it's all the same, I'm going to kill everyone. Trooper makes my skin crawl, but that's likely the result of living at the bar in my early twenties. The dj was stuck in a time warp of his own, and still is, if anyone's interested.

When I want to freak my Mom out, I sing Lemon at her.

If any uses my love for Peter Pan to compare me to Michael Jackson, they WILL get a carving knife through the tongue.

Have a good day.

Oh Mama!

2006-08-31T10:54:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I can't believe I'm a mother. Especially when my current favorite food is canned ham sandwiches and campbells cup-a-soup. I have no milk or bread in the house and am really only dragging my butt to the store because we're almost out of creamo. I let my daughter fall asleep on the couch last night while I watched t.v. After a story, of course, I'm not an animal. When I went to bed I moved her to her bed, only to move her back to my bed a few minutes later because I was lonely. I've never done that before. I wonder if it's because I'm pregnant. When I was pregnant with Celia, Kitten moved into the bed and I slept wrapped around her for months.

Quizzy

2006-08-31T10:08:00.000-06:00

Since Jen seems to be Blog-challenged as of late, I thought I would carry the torch for a while. It occurs to me that she's probably the only one who visits my Blog that would even do this. I picked this one so that Ken would play too.

You Belong in Milan

Stylish and sophisticated, you want to enjoy a truly European life - away from tourists!
Milan fits you perfectly. Great shopping, high quality food, lots of culture... with very little hype.

What European City Do You Belong In?

Right on. This things are brilliant!

Of course a little hype never hurt.

So I figure my kid has discovered a clever new way to destroy the world. I call it Death By Dora.
Voy a matarme. I think that's pretty close to "I'm going to kill myself" in Spanish.

It Was Funny Before Coffee

2006-08-31T09:54:00.000-06:00

I'm sure we can all relate to this one. And I'm a girl!

Bird Brains

2006-08-28T19:01:00.000-06:00

I'm sure almost everyone has experienced a bird crashing into the window when they were sitting right in front of it. Kind of unpleasant. This morning a bird crashed so hard it left a trail of flesh, brains, and possibly an eyeball dribbling down my kitchen window. If the thought of liver and jello grosses you out, imagine it over your morning coffee. The weirdest part of it all was when I went out to clean it up, by flinging cups of water at the window, there was no sign of it anywhere. I cannot believe it flew away with a mere nosebleed, this thing had to have had it's head on backwards. Maybe I didn't give it credit for bouncing as far as it did. Tomorrow I will have to have a more thorough look so the cats don't make a mess. I know I sound like a gross old meanie describing all the gore, but it shocked me a little. It made me sad too.
It reminded me of this poem which, incidentally, I never liked:

"Who killed Cock Robin?" "I," said the Sparrow,
"With my bow and arrow, I killed Cock Robin."
"Who saw him die?" "I," said the Fly,
"With my little eye, I saw him die."
"Who caught his blood?" "I," said the Fish,
"With my little dish, I caught his blood."
"Who'll make the shroud?" "I," said the Beetle,
"With my thread and needle, I'll make the shroud."
"Who'll dig his grave?" "I," said the Owl,
"With my pick and shovel, I'll dig his grave."
"Who'll be the parson?" "I," said the Rook,
"With my little book, I'll be the parson."
"Who'll be the clerk?" "I," said the Lark,
"If it's not in the dark, I'll be the clerk."
"Who'll carry the link?" "I," said the Linnet,
"I'll fetch it in a minute, I'll carry the link."
"Who'll be chief mourner?" "I," said the Dove,
"I mourn for my love, I'll be chief mourner."
"Who'll carry the coffin?" "I," said the Kite,
"If it's not through the night, I'll carry the coffin."
"Who'll bear the pall? "We," said the Wren,
"Both the cock and the hen, we'll bear the pall."
"Who'll sing a psalm?" "I," said the Thrush,
"As she sat on a bush, I'll sing a psalm."
"Who'll toll the bell?" "I," said the bull,
"Because I can pull, I'll toll the bell."
All the birds of the air fell a-sighing and a-sobbing,
When they heard the bell toll for poor Cock Robin.

I just discovered that it was probably written about Robin Hood. This makes it a little more likeable.

Petty Ponderings

2006-08-28T10:08:00.000-06:00

I used to be able to write up a Blog over three or four cups of coffee back-to-back. Now I have only my Lucky Charms for inspiration. Somebody should invent a caffienated cereal. Or at least a decaf coffee flavoured cereal. Remember Drew Carey's coffee-flavoured beer? Now we're talking. Things that taste like other things and have no nutritional value. Rock on! If you're finding this morning's entry a little scattered, it is. And what the hell is wrong with this keyboard? It's like I've totally forgotten how to type and I keep bumping the touch pad and jumping back to the middle of the previously sentence.

I just remembered that I love Tom Petty, hence the look-alike pic of Spike the dog above. It's just that I never ever listen to him anymore because Ken really hates him. So yesterday, after an entire Petty song played on the radio without retribution, I made a mental note to download everything. I kind of have to marvel at myself though. I can't stand whiny, nasal vocals, (e.g. Bob Dylan, Red Hot Chili Peppers) and I don't smoke pot, yet I love love love Tom Petty. I may need my own IPOD after this. Hell, I'm gonna need my own wheels after this! But only if I get the radio, after all, it has the all 80's station on it, and that just makes Ken have violent thoughts about hairspray-bombs. Remember the music video for Don't Come Around Here No More? Petty was the Mad Hatter and Alice was on a table, made of cake, her head and possibly her arms and legs flopping around, and the Hatter cuts her into squares and serves her to the tea guests. I thought it was creative. Of course, all the feminists freaked out about Tom "eating" Alice. I have to admit, the first and only time I thought about this in a sexual way was when I read about it and saw the words eating Alice on Pop-up Video. Feminists, bah!

I finally listened to the new Madonna cd, more out of morbid curiosity than anything. I used to like her music alot, then it was hit and miss, and now it's one or two decent songs on an album full of background music. I read a few of her bios and had to admire her business sense. Now I only think three things: 1.What the holy hell is up with that fake accent? 2.What the holy-hell is up with her butt? 3.I'd respect her more if she quit trying to act.

I just got back from a mini-holiday in Vernon. It was fun but an awful lot of driving for such a short trip. Cripes, the trip is long when you a are passenger for the entire duration! I won't get into specifics this trip, as I haven't had the complete mental meltdown that usually ensures, although that may be a current work in progress. What I really want to know is: How could I only be there for three days and have spent so damn much money? All I bought was some soap and peaches. Is it possible I paid $492 in tax?

1988-1991 Revisited

2006-08-21T10:18:00.000-06:00

I always bitch about how 90's music sucks hardcore, especially when compared to the happy tunes from the eighties. I had to rethink this yesterday while alone in the car, screaming along to satellite radio. Most of the eighties stuff I like, and there are alot of good nineties songs I tend to forget about. After I graduated there was some decent music around and that was still the nineties. I've narrowed the truly terrible music down to about four strongly, abusive years. Think 1988 to about 1991. Remember these songs: Don't Worry Be Happy, Wishing Well, Pump Up the Jam, Buffalo Stance, Wild Thing (Tone-Loc) and Walk the Dinosaur. Quickly taking over the world at this time were artists (I use this term loosely) like MC Hammer, Bobby Brown and Vanilla Ice. Meanwhile the assault of the hairbands went on and on. And on. Bad English, Warrant, Aerosmith, Skid Row, Guns'N'Roses, LA Guns and Motley Crew just off the top of my head. It seemed the radio played requests 24 hours a day and Kasey Kasem owned the airwaves. The clothes at this time were equally atrocious. I had a girlfriend who consistently wore three different color pairs of slouch-socks together (all neon) so she had a veritable rainbow above her Ked-clad feet, and her jeans were pinch-rolled and tucked into the socks. Each pair of socks matched something else on her body, a t-shirt, a tank-top under the t-shirt, a scrunchy, etc. This girl was the pinnacle of fashion and envied by all. This was no mean feat. Have you ever tried to pinch-roll a pair of hammer-pants? While this mutation of the eighties was going on, grunge was just beginning. So after hours of careful color coordinating, one might throw a grey plaid shirt over everthing, tied at the waist of course. Eww eww eww. Although there were several good movies released during this time, and I am only focusing on the negative, because that's how I remember this time in my life, I will just say this : You ever dance with the devil in the pale moonlight? I rest my case. The top shows on the t.v were Alf, My Two Dads, Roseanne, and Blossom. Leave us not forget The Arsenio Hall Show. Ahem. This whole era of error was a disaster, a stain in my life. The only memories I can muster from this dismal time are ones of hanging out at the graveyard, learning to smoke, marvelling at the movie Colors, and of course, listening to the radio. I cannot help but feel deeply ashamed.

The Short Lived Cartoon: Hammerman

We're Swingin' Now

2006-08-18T12:43:00.000-06:00

I learned a cool new word: Coxswain
It means "a person who usually steers a ship's boat and has charge of its crew" or "a person in a racing shell who usually directs the rest of the crew." Thus it can be used to refer to a leader or superviser, etc. It is the noun and the verb. I think that's awesome. From now on when people ask what Ken does, that's what I'll tell them. Oh, he's a coxswain over at the mill. Notice how much it sounds like cock-swing?

DoubleBubbleBums

2006-08-17T20:07:00.000-06:00

I had to post this. Had to.

Smorg-ass-bored

2006-08-17T18:45:00.000-06:00

Can anyone tell me when all the peanut M&Ms became yellow? What is this about and why didn't I get to vote? I hate yellow! It's like snacking on a 2lb bag of corn! I mean a 45 gram bag. Whatever. I know they all supposedly taste the same, but if I had a choice, blue would be my preference. It's pretty and whenever you walk around with a blue mouth people have to wonder what you've been eating. I usually tell them I just had a hot dog and walk away. I bet some happy-go-lucky pothead hippy decided yellow was "happier" because it was the color of sunshine. Ya, and pee. Especially after a multivitamin!

I see they arrested someone in the JonBenet Ramsey case. At this point I don't even care. Sure, it's a sad thing that happened, but the whole thing has been turned into a huge media mess and a grand show of incompetence. Is there anyone who wasn't a suspect? I'm certainly not saying anyone deserved such tragedy, but if you ask me, anyone who puts their child through that kind of crap has something wrong with them already. Who puts a 5 year old in control-top pantyhose and false eyelashes and parades them around for cash. Probably the same clan of psychos who distributes the shiny metallic bra and panty sets in toddler sizes. Yes, you heard me, toddler bras! When Celia turns three we are putting a pole in the basement and she can finally learn a trade that everyone appreciates. Silly rabbit, trix are for kids.

I was thinking I should be keeping a log of good books that have been made into good movies, etc. Here's what I have so far:

Good Books To Good Movies:
Memoirs Of A Geisha
Five People You Meet In Heaven
Dreamcatcher
A Tree Grows In Brooklyn
A Christmas Carol (of course there are terribles versions of this too)
Rita Hayworth & the Shawshank Redemption
Party Monster
The Green Mile
The Stand (but I think it's ready for a remake)
The Harry Potter Movies
The Color Purple
Ichabod Crane & the Legend of Sleepy Hollow
Narnia (I actually haven't read the books but I hear from everyone they're good)
Bridget Jones (both)
The Lord of the Rings (All, but the first book was a little hard to get through, introductions to places and species, etc. Lots of footnotes)

Good Books To Mediocre Movies:
Charlie & The Chocolate Factory (I think I like the old movie better)
White Oleander
Peter Pan
The Power of One
Bloodwork
The Clan of the Cave Bear

Good Books To Atrocious Movies:
every Alice in Wonderland movie ever made
most of the older movies based on Stephen King books

Books That Would Make Good Movies:
The Talisman
The Secret Life of Bees
The Poisonwood Bible
Anything by Bryce Courtenay
The Catcher in the Rye

Mediocre/Awful Books That Made Better Movies:
The First Wives Club (trust me, the movie was a treat after the horrificness that was the book -imagine shit-sculptures. No shit!)
The Man in the Iron Mask
In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash (A Christmas Story)
The Sound Of Music
The Princess Bride
Beaches (shut up)
A Series of Unfortunate Events (not the greatest movie, but not bad)

Books That are Totally Overrated:
Tuesdays With Morrie (let me die)
The Lovely Bones

Great Movies, Now I Need To Read The Books:
Hotel Rwanda

I think I'll try and keep this list updated.

What kind of name is JonBenet anyway? Poor kid.

LMAO QT

2006-08-17T18:25:00.000-06:00

Here are some pics of my happy girl.

Update

2006-08-17T10:25:00.000-06:00

I can't believe I remembered my user name, it's been so long. I figured I should start blogging again when I meant to drop a friend a quick email and it turned into a novella. That and Ken's been riding me about it. Bitch bitch bitch, meep meep meep, and so on. Anyways, I'm sure I've got lots of stuff to talk about now.
....
hmmmm

Okay! I'm pretty sure I haven't mentioned that I'm pregnant. YA baby, five months now. Part of the reason for not blogging for so long was the constant need to vomit and the required trips from the couch to the hospital where I would receive poorly executed IVs everyday to keep from passing out from dehydration. I looked like a regular junkie. Especially sexy to my husband who has an aversion to anything needle related. I won't get into it. Following that, I had a really good holiday in BC, as usual resulting in weeping in the car all the way back to High Prairie. I'm feeling tons better now, just really tired. Let me rephrase that, REALLY FUCKING TIRED!!! More than the first trimester. Could be something to do with my chronic insomnia, paired up with my loud asshole neighbours. That, and the two and a half year old I chase around every day.

Celia's been a very good girl, and only gets cuter. She has a kind of accent when she speaks and she can commmunicate pretty well now. For example, this morning I scolded her for licking the butter off of the muffin and ignoring the rest. She repeats this: Eat teh nuffin not teh buller. She says please and thank you and is constantly demanding kisses and bear hugs. She counts to five, says I love you, reads along with her stories, is totally potty-trained, and can role play with dolls or little people. Of course her favorite thing is eating fruit snacks in front of the damn t.v. I was giving her a cuddle this morning and wondering what on earth I will do when all my kids are too big to let me smelll their hair. It's not like I can go around smelling strangers when I walk around town. Often they smell terrible, and it's not as easy as you might think.

Joe's abandoned us for a life of sheer bliss on the island. On the island with his TWO BMWs. Selfish bastard. I don't even have one Beamer or a lake here. I do have a contraption you put in the tub and it blows jacuzzi-like bubbles up your ass. But it makes the water cold really fast. So now, we've begged, pleaded, and finally convinced Nessy to move in with us for a few months. Celia adores her and it will be nice to have her here for Christmas and when the new baby comes. I'm excited to have a friend here and Ken's excited because he's finally starting that harem he's always wanted. FYI, if you'd like to apply for a position, it helps if you can cook. Also, be sure to mention cheese alot on the application form!

In other news:
-My stereo is broken.
-I started selling AVON.
-I broke my cool Badger mug.
-None of my parents call me anymore.
-I can drink coffee again (in small doses, of course) if I don't smell it brewing.
-I have officially read everything and am in fact waiting for Amazon to receive something new. I am currently rereading a bunch of my old books. It helps that I have zero memory for things like that, just a vague familiarity. Right Jen?
-There is nothing good on t.v.
-I am currently looking for some new good music and am open to suggestions. Just don't recommend anything super heavy e.g. Ministry.
-My ex-boss recently asked me if I swallowed a watermelon.
-I can't post any damn pics right now, I keep getting an ERROR so I will do it later.

Boing-O

2006-05-08T10:27:00.000-06:00

I discovered an AWESOME Beatles remake! Oingo Boingo does I am the Walrus extremely well. I know, I'm a critic! For any of you rubes not familiar with Oingo Boingo, it is the hyperkinetic band headed by Danny Elfman from 1979 to 1995, probably peaking in the late 80's or so. If you are not familiar with Danny Elfman, you live under a rock and I can't understand how you made it to my blog in the first place. If you watch t.v. at all you will have seen his name probably hundreds of times. He composes the music for tons of movies and t.v. shows. Most recognizeably, The Simpsons, and everything Tim Burton. Some others are the Spiderman movies, Army of Darkness, the Tales from the Crypt shows, Red Dragon, and over a hundred more. FYI I just learned there is going to be a Simpsons movie next year. I'm sure everyone feels extremely informed and satisfied now.

Twins

2006-05-06T23:17:00.000-06:00

I read an interesting article on twins. Did you know that if twins have babies, their babies are genetically half siblings? If twin males marry twin females and reproduce, legally the offspring are cousins, but genetically, they are full siblings. Crazy! I read a book that involved a woman giving birth to twins that had two different fathers and it seemed pretty far fetched. Turns out, it happens occassionally. You can also have twins that are due a month apart! There are all kinds of variables involved of course, but it's not totally rare. There is absolutely no genetic rhyme or reason to identical twins either, it's all a fluke. The highest twinning population is Nigeria, possibly due to a diet high in yams, which produce a hormone that stimulates ovulation. The lowest is Asia. Surprising, they're so efficient, you'd think they'd get it all over with at once. Har de har.

FYI

2006-03-14T18:24:00.000-07:00

My Dad still hasn't remembered my birthday. He also forgot Celia's.

Survey Thingy

2006-03-14T18:03:00.000-07:00

Four jobs you have had in your life:
1. Daycare Assistant
2. Third Key Supervisor/Shipper/Receiver @ high-end retail giftshop
3. Waitress/Supervisor
4. Salesperson at high-end linen shop

Four movies you would watch over & over
1. Trains, Planes & Automobiles
2. It
3. Party Monster
4. Mixed Nuts
Bet nobody guessed these!

Four places you have lived:
1. Surrey, BC
2. Vernon, BC
3. Aldergrove, BC
4. Victoria, BC

Four TV shows you love to watch:
1. Ghost Whisperer
2. Sopranos
3. Lost
4. Frasier

Four places you have been on vacation:
1. Cuba
2. South Africa/Frankfurt
3. California/Tijuana
4. Vancouver/Vancouver Island

Four websites I visit often:
1. Blogger
2. Pork Tornado
3. Amazon/Chapters
4. MFD

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chinese
2. Seafood
3. Japanese
4. Hot @ Sour Soup with Shrimp

Four places I would rather be right now:
1. Vancouver
2. Victoria
3. Germany
4. Vernon

Four things I want to be when I grow up:
1. Self-employed
2. Happy where I live
3. Comfortably wealthy
4. Travelled

Four friends I am tagging that I think will repost this in their blog/journal.....
1.
2.
3.
4. Are you kidding? Nobody reads my blog!

Naked Town

2006-03-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

My kid has planted herself smack-dab in the middle of a new phase: The "Naked Phase." Awesome. She got a new dolly today and immediately undressed it and herself. I think she's starting a colony. It's not usually a problem unless the diaper comes off too. The other day I heard an awful racket coming from her room during naptime. I entered her room to discover she was buck naked, driving her crib (it's on wheels) across the nursery, and waving her diaper over her head like a lasso. The hardest part is figuring out a way to keep that diaper on. These are my ideas so far: hot glue gun, staples, duct tape and, the ever reliable, shock-collar.

Post Birthday Blues

2006-02-27T23:25:00.000-07:00

As usual my Dad forgot my birthday. Almost six days already. I'm used to it. Sigh

Fun as Badger

2006-02-26T20:15:00.000-07:00

I love the Badger song. If you like it too, you might like the Chutney animation and everybody should enjoy the Ultimate Showdown. Your welcome!

Sesame Feat

2006-02-26T11:51:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to my daughter's Sesame Street videos. Brand new, complete with Elmo (shudder) Remember the good old days when there was no Elmo, but Ernie & Bert and the Doodle-bugs. Doodle-bugs rock! The adults on the show, however, are the same! Maria, Gordon, and the gang are all there. Imagine talking to socks for a living your entire life! Perhaps there are fringe benefits. Get it, fringe? Har de har. Anyways pretty soon it'll be more like Sesame Retirement Community, for the Senior Citizen who is a child at heart. And eventually, the Sesame Wing of the Pallative Care Unit. Enjoy a Sesame Fleet Enema Today!

Beans to Coffee!!

2006-02-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

Why, God, why can't the coffee just make itself? How on earth can I possibly go through the monstrous routine of making coffee again? Maybe I should just wake up Ken and get him to do it. Who cares if he's on night shift. Just kidding, I would never do that. Even though his coffee is somehow (almost) always better than mine. Maybe it's the chemistry of it all, the raw testosterone vibe attached to the beans. Or maybe it's because he ALWAYS steals a cup before the coffee finishes brewing and somehow balances out the rest of the pot. The best best best coffee is when I let Ken make it to his desired strength, strong enough to stand a spoon in, and then he adds 1/3 cup of cream. mmmm But not a very good idea for those of us who do not want to gain 2lbs over breakfast! So now, I've dragged my sorry ass around the kitchen a couple of times, dressed the kid, fed her and the cats, cleaned the bathroom and disinfected the garbage cans... still no coffee. Soon now, very soon.

Better...

*photo art prints are by Tomasz Jankowski

Thirty...something?

2006-02-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I had my 30th birthday and survived. I guess. Ken keeps telling me it's no big deal. I know that. Maybe secretely I want it to be a big deal. A little bit. We went out for a nice dinner at The New Asian Village, an Indian restaurant in Edmonton. At the end of dinner the waitress brought me a little bowl of rice puddingy stuff. In the centre was a reddish glob of unidentifiable meatball-bread-fruit with a sparkler in it. Everyone sang to me and at the end Sarah sang Happy Birthday dear Tracy, Here's a sparkler in some poo! For some reason, this is the funniest thing I've heard in like four years! Thanks Sarah, I laughed so hard I peed a little (on your couch)! Unfortunately, Sarah has never been made privy to the Badger song so I will post the link here for her. Hopefully, soon I will post some pictures of our fun dinner. Cheers!

By the way, everyone tried the "poo" in the pudding and nobody knows what the hell it was!

Oh, To Be Clad In Saucy Togs!

2006-02-14T15:46:00.000-07:00

I don't get it, but I could totally see it on Jen.

This last shirt especially matches my mood this week!

COUNT THE PEOPLE

2006-02-10T18:32:00.000-07:00

WAIT FOR THE SCREEN TO CHANGE

NOW COUNT THEM AGAIN

Bad Jokes Instead

2006-02-06T12:09:00.000-07:00

I published an entry this morning and decided I sounded like I was crying into my hemp-journal while huffing green tea with my hippy friends. A little whiny. Here's some terrible jokes instead!

Your mom's so fat she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm.

Your mom's so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of franks.

Your mom's so fat, she sat on four quarters and made a dollar.

Your mom's so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.

Yo mama so slutty, she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball!

Yo mama's like a refrigerator, everyone sticks their meat in her.

Yo mama so nasty, I called her for phone sex and she gave me an ear infection.

Yo momma is like a bowling ball she gets three fingers, thrown in the gutter, and comes back for more.

Q. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.

and remember...

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Yay for Yahk!

2006-01-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

My aunt and uncle have a little motel in Yahk, B.C. It is close to a river so they put this sign up. Awesome.

Some Pics I Kinda Like

2006-01-27T22:54:00.000-07:00

Anklebiter

Honeymooners

Baby Blue Eyes

Blissed & Pissed -in that order

2006-01-27T20:41:00.000-07:00

Everyone keeps asking how the wedding and the honeymoon were and all I can muster up is "Uhh fine, it was good." The truth is, there's just no way to explain how perfectly perfect it all was. For once I'm at a loss for words. The wedding was as beautiful as I'd hoped it would be and I had a great time surrounded by people I love. There were a few tiny glitches, but they didn't matter and there were other things that more than made up for them (Joe's exquisite balloon-placing skills, for example!) We had alot of (unexpected) help and it was fun. Sure I yelled at my mom and brother while I was getting my hair done, but I immediately called them to apologize. I'm allowed to get a little stressed out, right? Everything is a crazy blur surrounding Christmas, the wedding, the family dramas, New years in Vancouver, etc. Cuba was terribly romantic. We didn't really do anything exciting (aside from Havana) yet it was awesome. Besides, it's private. You had to be there, and you weren't so I won't bother trying to share the magic. Except with Ken. There are some things in my life I will look back at and regret. Our honeymoon is not one of those things. There are three little words that sum it up perfectly: Champagne For Breakfast.

The only thing I can tell you about this is that I was barefoot.

My favorite. The barstools are under the water.

I will post some wedding pics if I ever get any!!

When I got back home I received an interesting Christmas card from my ex-stepdad. If you are confused, here it is: He lived with my mom for eight years, my formative years, a time when I didn't have any kind of relationship with my (adoptive) dad and hadn't even met my biological dad. We were very close. Him and my mom broke up and he decided it was too hard to see me and my brother. That was about 13 years ago. I was very angry and hurt for a long time. A couple of years ago I saw him, vented, had some closure and haven't thought about it since. Nor have I heard from him. Now I get a "My Daughter, My Friend" card. ????? It surprised me but there's really no feeling left. Either way. What pissed me off was he wrote "Sorry for inadvertantly cutting you out of my life. Totally regret it." In-ad-ver-tant-ly? How do you inadvertantly ...wtf? The man is unable to accept ANY responsibility for anything, a chronic victim! What a loser. I should rip up the card, light it on fire, pee on it, sun-dry it, mail it to him and add a note saying "Sorry I inadvertantly ripped up your card, lit it on fire, peed on it, sun-dried it, put it in an envelope, bought a stamp, put the stamp on the envelope, and mailed it to you. Totally regret it!"

But hey, no hard feelings.
Haha Really, I'm joking about it because it's a non-issue.

I stole this Quiz from Jen's Blog.

You scored as agnosticism. You are an agnostic. Though it is generally taken that agnostics neither believe nor disbelieve in God, it is possible to be a theist or atheist in addition to an agnostic. Agnostics don't believe it is possible to prove the existence of God (nor lack thereof).

Agnosticism is a philosophy that God's existence cannot be proven. Some say it is possible to be agnostic and follow a religion; however, one cannot be a devout believer if he or she does not truly believe.

agnosticism

71%

Buddhism

63%

Christianity

58%

Hinduism

58%

Islam

54%

Judaism

46%

Satanism

38%

Paganism

33%

atheism

21%

Which religion is the right one for you? (new version)
created with QuizFarm.com

I have the worst hair during PMS (premarital stress)

2005-12-15T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today's Zodiac: Alot of people will piss you off because you already have a million things going on. DO NOT let anyone touch the hair yourself or any loved ones! Don't drink and draw.

I took Celia to her last "music class" last night. Thank God. A bunch of moms sit cross-legged on the floor singing and rocking like autistics, supposedly with their kids on their laps. In reality, the kids run around like drunken monkeys tearing stuff apart. Then they get plastic eggs full of rice to shake and fight over, later assorted instruments, and finally tambourines. All the while, a women speaks/sings slowly on a tape deck. If I hadn't paid in advance, I wouldn't have gone 7 times. At least last night we didn't get the puke room. Good times. I took Celia for a haircut and her adorable little hairdo, which only needed a little touchup, was butchered. Her bangs sort of zigzag around her hairline. Right before family Christmas, and our wedding. Sometimes she looks like a prime candidate for the Sunshine bus. Especially when she wears nothing but a diaper and one mitten. So proud. I was so upset I went to the hairdressers and tore her a new asshole. I didn't yell, it's not my style. The bitch argued with me about what I want and offered to fix it. She kept trying to convince me I wanted it layered. I won't allow her to touch Celia's golden locks ever again! The day before that I spent $180 and an entire day at the hair salon to find out my hair can't be dyed. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. The last 2 days I spent fighting with Amazon. I went to the doctor and refilled my valium prescription. I figure the closer I get to the wedding the more stressed I will be. If that's even possible. Maybe it's just the anticipation-stress before the Vernon-stress which I'm sure by now everyone's familliar with. I know it's not totally sane, but I CAN NOT deal with Celi's hairdo. I can't! I feel like I haven't seen Ken in weeks except for the occassional shouting of "Moose Knuckle!" from the living room. I don't suppose I mentioned my estranged step-father of yore decided to call my mom and ask about my wedding. Perhaps, he'll stop in. Sure. Great. Just what I need. This man is not horrible, that would involve a little motivation. He's weak, whiny and must have left his balls in a public bathroom sometime in the 70s. I have dealt with my anger towards him a long time ago and now I'm left with indifference and perhaps the slightest bit of bitterness. It would be nice to have contact with my stepbrothers again.
We'll see.

For Ken

Jumpin' on the Bandwagon

2005-12-11T11:58:00.000-07:00

I have to join in the fun! My answers will be titles of Beatles songs, naturally.

1. Are you male or female?
GIRL

2. Describe yourself:
I'M SO TIRED

3. How do some people describe you?
TO KNOW HER IS TO LOVE HER

4. How do you feel about yourself?
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

5. Describe your ex boyfriend/girlfriend:
HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN

6. Describe your current boyfriend/girlfriend:
TIL THERE WAS YOU

7. Describe where you want to be:
HERE, THERE AND EVERYWHERE

8. Describe how you live:
LEAVE MY KITTEN ALONE

9. Describe how you love:
WHY DON'T WE DO IT IN THE ROAD

10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish?
CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE AGAIN

11. Share a few words of wisdom:
ACT NATURALLY
LET IT BE

12. Now say goodbye:
HELLO GOODBYE

The problem with this band is they have so many songs I could fill this out 10 times and have all differen't, but fitting, answers. Don't worry, I'll keep that project to myself.

Safety Smart Ass

2005-12-06T23:11:00.000-07:00

It's just as I suspected. When I got the mail today, curiosity got the better of me and I flipped through Ken's TOLKO Safety Smart Magazine. It's a Cosmo. All the models are wearing hard-hats and there are articles like Confessions of a Control Room Operator, Binge Drinking: A Coke Machine Drama, and Gucci Coveralls, On & Off The Catwalk. Of course there is a monthly quiz Hard-hat or Helmet? and for the ladies there is an agony column featuring a renowned OSB/GYN.

Stupid Crap

2005-12-06T22:48:00.000-07:00

Your Pimp Name Is...

Nurse Pump

What's Your Pimp Name?

I was bored so I looked up a few names. These are my favorites:
Jen = Sugar Butt Tickler
Joe = Ribbed Dynamite
Patrick = Pimp Daddy Shagswell
Treena = Sugar Butt Mystery

Your Sexy Brazilian Name is:

Rafaela Arósio

What's Your Sexy Brazilian Name?

Some Favorites:
Ken = Tarcisio Otelo
Troy = Fábio Rodrigues

Laughter, the Best Lubricant

2005-12-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

Things that made me laugh my ass off this weekend:
A t-shirt that said: My Other Ride Is Your Girlfriend
A t-shirt that said: It's Not Going To Lick Itself!
A liquor store called Liquor Spot. If you are not laughing, say it out loud and slowly. That's Sofa King funny.

Looks like Revenue Canada has politely asked me to bend over and spread my cheeks, only this time at the insistance of the B.C. Ambulance Association. I have an outstanding debt for a bill I never received for an ambulance joyride I took in Victoria in May of 2002. So, at this rate, they should remember to bill me for transporting my pregnant self around the country in about 2008. I'll get myself ready! The good news is it's only $54. It's just the point. The dink I reached on the phone kept saying, in some mangled form of broken English, "Please, understand this, Ms. Berndt..." Ya, please understand this, Asshole, I don't know what you're talking about. We agreed that he could send me a bill so that I at least had a paper trail to swear at and wave in peoples' faces during my Revenue-Canada-Bashing-Parties (held every second Saturday at the Elk's Hall). If I do not pay this it will be garnisheed from my government cheques, gst, etc. Oh right, I'm not eligible to receive anything!! I think this renders me ineligible to pay anything. And by me I mean Ken.

Hail to the king, baby!

2005-11-29T08:39:00.000-07:00

I've discovered the perfect sex test. Like if you're really not sure if someone is male or female. Just wait around for a bit and, if they have a penis, they will make a reference to Army of Darkness. Listen for things like Book of the Dead, That's Ash, Bound in Human Flesh, Boomstick, The Evil Dead or Bruce Campbell. This will immediately be follwed by Have you seen it? Of course I have! I swear to God, every guy I know owns that movie, used to own it, is currently shopping for it, or at the very least can quote from it. Joe, you might think this is because you referred to it the other night. Partly that and partly the fact that Ken referred to it last night. Have you seen it? In his excitement he always asks me that. Don't worry boys, I'm sure we all think it's very cute.

Quotes (just 2!)

Ash: Alright, you primitive screwheads, listen up: THIS... is my BOOM STICK!

Ash: You ain't leading but two things right now: Jack and Shit. And Jack just left town.

Beer Here!

2005-11-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

You know you must be in love if you're on a diet and still you make your man brownies.
I'm in a pretty good mood today and I figure it's because I went for a couple of beers with Jen last night. I'd forgotten how much fun it is and exactly how long it's been since I went out for a drink with a girlfriend. I used to do it once or twice a week after work in Victoria. I need to remember to get out (sans baby) a little more. I need to make the decision before I'm reduced to a mass of tears, cowering on the floor behind the furniture. Mama needs a life too, dammit! Thanks Jen. Perhaps one day we will join the masses and do the karaoke thing, but I'll need a little more than 4 beers. Probably start with shots of tequila and work my way into something stronger! I'm not much of a drinker anymore.

Dementia Pussycat & The Leaning Tower of Lipstick

2005-11-23T14:07:00.000-07:00

My cat is getting weirder. My mom suggested she may be getting dementia as she is about 77 in cat years. Great. Incidentally, that is the same age as my grandmother. She is building a tower of lipsticks and has approximately five-hundred boxes of earrings on her dressers and nightstand. The shoes in her closet are in boxes to the ceiling. It worries me. It's not just that she shops alot, it's that she can't get rid of anything (unless she can give it to me or mom.) She has a lipstick that she wore on a family trip to Arizona in 1970 and she can't part with it because it breaks her heart. It smells like cancer. My mom was freaking out about my Grandma's spending spree yesterday, saying that she's been like this since my Grandpa had a stroke and never came home. I asked her if she was this bad before and she said "No, all your Grandma had was an old, ratty, brown coat that she wore for years." Well, maybe that's why! I know she never really lacked alot, my Grandpa gave them a pretty good life financially. I also know he could be very, very hard to live with and perhaps it was easier for her to go through life with an old coat than to ask for a new one. I won't presume to have any idea! Who knows what happens in the psyche of someone else's marriage. Maybe she just misses having someone to take care of and doesn't know what else to do with her time. I know how therapeutic shopping can be. I'm afraid I also know what a compulsion it can be. I'm getting better. Heh heh. In the meantime, I hope the cat doesn't die under my bed.

Art Attack

2005-11-16T15:06:00.000-07:00

I was browsing through some art and found this one interesting. Robert McGinnis is known for James Bond movie posters as well as nudes, landscapes, etc. This one I like because I have to think "Why the wheelchair?"

Sex & the City

2005-11-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

Ooh ooh! I found a Sex & the City Quiz.
Actually, it's kinda lame.

You are Carrie. Cute, quirky and intelligent, men find it so easy to fall in love with you but things always seem to end in tears. you're a commitment-phobe and you find it really hard to get over your exes. Your dress sense is to die for and you blow most of your money on clothes, shoes and cocktails. Gay men love you.

Gay women love me too.

Badgertown

2005-11-14T13:03:00.000-07:00

I'm sure everyone knows the Badger Song by now but it's MY FAVORITE. The first time I saw it I watched transfixed for like 8 minutes before I realized it was never going to end. I think I'll keep a shortcut on my desktop because I actually get the song stuck in my head.

Morning Mush

2005-11-14T11:33:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get my friend Sadie to Blog but she hasn't got a computer yet. If she does, I can assure you that it will be freakin hilarious. She is the epitomy of fun & games! At her house, every Sunday is Funday! She will also be the dj at our wedding. On that topic (see how I just ease into weddingtalk) I have a little survey for everyone. Please respond. Do you think A Little Help From My Friends is a danceable song for a wedding? No, it's not going to be the first waltz. I was racking my brains trying to think of a good Dad & me song and then I remembered that it's kind of our special song. I think it would be a nice surprise for him if we danced to it. All those Daddy's Little Girl songs make me want to barf.

Last night for the first time in 6 or 8 months I went on msn. I "chatted" with friends I haven't seen in years and years. It was good. It made me happy. All my friends are getting married and having kids and the surprise is finally wearing off. For a long time I would be shocked because we're so young. We're not though. We're all around the three-zero mark. Now the clock is ticking and it's surprising when people don't have kids yet. Scarey!

Yesterday I killed an hour in the drugstore. Sad I know. I bought a couple of greeting cards and that always takes a bit of time. I don't believe in giving a card unless I agree with the sentiment 100%. I saw these really nice Sweetheart-Husband type cards but didn't buy any because Ken hates cards. Even though we're having a Christmas wedding I don't think he'd like a piece of paper explaining that I love him at Christmastimeandalways. Sometimes I get a bit bummed because I LOVE that piece of paper. I can look at it over and over and put it in a scrapbook and get misty-eyed over it later. After I bought the cards I was cutting through the IGA parking lot and remembering the flowers he gave me a couple weeks ago. Just because. It made me all fuzzy because I realized that that was his "greeting card." He didn't give them to me because I whined about flowers, but because he was thinking good thoughts about me! His sentiment is obvious in the million other things he does for me. Rubbing my back in the morning, making me coffee, buying me an Eddie Bauer coat, loving my cat. This makes me very happy and I don't need a card. Of course, if he did present me with one that said "thanks for marrying me, you're pretty like Christmas" or something, I would cry over it and squirrel it away to cry over again at a later date. Another thing I love is his openness to me and his willingness to share. Basically, he keeps me in the loop. I was speaking to a friend this morning who never has any idea what's going on around her husband. I know more than she does! It would drive me crazy and hurt my feelings if I were her. Geez, enough of this tribute-to-Ken! You'd think I got laid this morning or something. In reality, I stumbled out of bed late and drank a neocitron and 3 cups of coffee.

My Babies.

In other news, I'm 84% Sexy.

I'm pretty sure Mary and Joseph took Jesus to Jerusalem because they couldn't find a babysitter.

Bad to the Blog

2005-11-11T19:12:00.000-07:00

Movies I need to watch (or else I'll forget) in the next 2 weeks :
Frankenstein
Merchant of Venice
Crash

Just watched Charlie & The Chocolate Factory and was a little disappointed. I can see why people didn't like Depp that much. It was not his acting that was the problem, most people don't realize just how dark Dahl can be. For the record, I thought Depp was awesome. Part of my problem may have something to do with the fact that I paused it 50 times to answer the phone, deal with the baby, cook food, and at one point, glue the pants I was wearing to the living room floor. It just didn't seem as magical as the first one. Don't get me wrong, if I never heard Cheer Up Charlie again it would be too soon.

I feel gross. To compensate for eating half my body weight today, I drank double it. Now I weigh approximately 7 million pounds. Sigh.

If any of you B.C.ers saw that school bus almost flip over on the news a week ago, and if you saw giant Roger Rabbit eyes plastered to a window in a little house in the background, that was my dad. Washing dishes and watching and waiting to see if his kids' schoolbus would land upside down in his foyer. Good times. Everyone was ok.

Jen started a horrible horrible blog that I can't tear myself away from. I have to find more bad jokes! I'm addicted. I'm Bad to the Blog. Errgh, I did it again!

Heres & Theres

2005-11-07T11:26:00.000-07:00

Once I lived a block from here.

I grew up here.

Now I live here.

I visited here and I loved it.

And of course here.

I felt sad here.

And sick here.

I'll be here in January.

Someday I'd like to go here.

Mother's Little Helpers

2005-11-05T08:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon I noticed I looked all yellow. Like I had jaundice or something. I thought it might have something to do with my new drug regime. At this point battalion may be a more correct term. Everytime I go to the doctor here for one little thing, I come out with a bag of drugs. I'm far too prudent to partake in recreational drug use so I keep myself busy with prescribed madness. It reminds me of a song:

Mother's Little Helper

"Kids are different today,"
I hear ev'ry mother say
Mother needs something today to calm her down.
And though she's not really ill
There's a little yellow pill
She goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And it helps her on her way, gets her through her busy day.

"Things are different today,"
I hear ev'ry mother say
Cooking fresh food for a husband's just a drag.
So she buys an instant cake
And she burns her frozen steak
And goes running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And two help her on her way, get her through her busy day.

"Doctor please, some more of these!"
Outside the door, she took four more.

"Men just aren't the same today,"
I hear ev'ry mother say
They just don't appreciate that you get tired.
They're so hard to satisfy,
You can tranquilize your mind
So go running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
And four help you through the night, help to minimize your plight.

"Life's just much too hard today,"
I hear ev'ry mother say
The pursuit of happiness just seems a bore.
And if you take more of those
You will get an overdose
No more running for the shelter of a mother's little helper
They just helped you on your way, through your busy dying day.

-- Mick Jagger and Keith Richards

I once had a doctor try (very persistantly) and prescribe something for me to get rid of the rash on my face after I continually told him it was only a little staining from the fake Halloween blood the night before. Or was it Valentine's Day? Can't remember. After I had the baby my (ex)doctor sent me home with a tube of oral freezing gel. For pain. FOR SEX. You know the stuff they use to freeze your face before dental surgery? Ya. Ahem. I can't imagine why anyone would need sex so badly that they'd venture into it without ANY FEELING in their loins. So if anyone needs a sealed, unopened tube of this stuff, it's still good! You know, in case you need to perform your own root canal or something. Any don't worry, that's all the sex-talk for this blog. I know nobody in Alberta wants me to talk about dildos again. I figure they don't have them here. Like PST or the old $2 bills. No wonder everyone's so uptight. Maybe instead of prescribing everyone pills...
Mother's Little Helper

Today I'm going to GP again with Jen, weather permitting and stuff. It's nice to put on makeup and pants and leave the house. Whenever I return home from Vernon I vow to make more of an effort to look and feel better. However, after a while you just don't want to bother putting on a dress to get the mail. It's a downward spiral. If you can't remember how to do up your bra, it's been too long.

Mmm Marsipants

2005-11-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

Driving back from Grande Prairie a few days ago, I stared transfixed out the window a great deal of the ride home. After a little internetting I confirmed that it was Mars I was seeing, orange and glowing. It was so vibrant and big it almost had a halo. Pretty cool stuff. I'm not really into astronomy but have, on several occasions, wished I had a telescope in my possession.

Of course now it's all foggy and snowy. Stupid Winter.

Halloweenies

2005-10-31T19:02:00.000-07:00

We finally carved our jack-o-lanterns. For lack of imagination, I carved mine into a moon silhouetting a raven. (I'm reading The Dark Tower series.) I did a funny skeleton on the back. We did them double-sided so Celia could enjoy them in the house and they would be visible outside too. Ken did a bat (ala Batman) and an apple (ala the ipod)

Much to her delight, Celia dressed up as Tigger (again) today. Earlier, in the coffee shop, she roared at everyone. Usually she just barks. We only took her to two houses to trick-or-treat. It was more about the sport of it than the actual collecting of Rohypnol-laced junk food. She also liked handing out the candy and laughing at the kids' costumes. Ken's cat spent the night trying to make his great escape and everytime the doorbell rang he went to the door. Pretty exciting Halloween. I played with Ken's camera a little and am pretty pleased with the way my raven turned out.

I recently remembered how much work it is keeping up with the Smythes' holiday decorating antics. Damn! Next year for Halloween I'm boarding up the windows and painting the house black. In the meantime, I'll have to put more energy into Christmas. Ya, like that's even possible. Now where on earth did I put my santa-head disco ball?

Penis Envy

2005-10-30T18:37:00.000-07:00

I received a very lovely bouquet flowers on Friday! I'm pretty sure this is because I'm a domestic goddess. Either that or it's because I bitched and moaned and stamped my feet. Doubtful. But anything's possible. Actually, the real reason made me cry, just a little.

Since I've been home things have gone relatively well. I feel happy and hopeful and have been able to start organizing and cleaning with a little more focus. This is a good thing. Of course, I'm no miracle worker. I've also tried to devote a little more time to reading. I have a stack of books that I have vowed to get through before I purchase any more books. Wish me luck. There's always one that sits there for a year before I'm in the mood to read it. Right now it's Dickens' David Copperfield. If anyone has anything good to say about it, let me know. A good review is always motivating for me.
My current "stack" includes:

The Drawing of the Three, Stephen King
Henry Sugar & Six More, Roald Dahl
Galveston, Paul Quarrington
Life of Pi, Yann Martel
The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, Frank Baum
The Lord of the Flies, William Golding (again)
Introducing Nietzsche, Gane & Chan
Daring Missions of World War 2, Breuer
David Copperfield, Dickens

I also have to finish:

Barry Trotter & the Unfortunate Sequel, Michael Gerber
In God We Trust- All Others Pay Cash, Jean Shepherd (aka A Christmas Story)

plus the assorted toilet training, parenting thingies.

The next dozen books I want is already planned out and written down but not all are in paperback yet. I think the worst thing about dying will be leaving unfinished/unread books behind. It will really piss me off. With my luck, the waiting room to the pearly gates will be filled with crappy books by female authors.(Yes, I'm author-sexist) Hey, I'm Catholic, maybe I just figured out Purgatory! You have to read all the V.C. Andrews books, in the wrong order!

I found a sight devoted to interesting facts. For instance, the barnacle has the largest penis compared to it's size. It can be more than 20 times it's length. This is so it can pop next door and give it's neighbour a friendly poke. Just think of the possibilities of a man with those proportions. He could do the dishes or mow the lawn (a little risky) while tending to his husbandly duties. More than likely he'd use it to pee out on the lawn while playing Counterstrike.

Did you know that billy goats urinate on themselves to make themselves more attractive to the females? I bet they do it in the shower!

Premeditated Coffee and Hijacked Sex in the City

2005-10-26T22:50:00.000-06:00

I remember when I thought Ken's cowboy hat, bald head, and mustache phase was bad. Two words: Handlebar Bumstache.

Tonight I got an email from Telus about a copyright infringement. I was caught downloading (and consequently uploading) Sex and the City. FUCK YOU I say! Have you ever heard of Joe Consumer? Well that's me. I'm the perfect example. I love to purchase! I download, try it out, often purchase, and recommend. That's a guaranteed satisfied customer. Assholes.

Today, before he left for work, Ken set the coffemaker to brew me fresh jump-juice at 10am. A small, not-too-time-consuming gesture that made my day. It's exactly what I think living with a person is all about. The little things. Leaning over on the couch and resting your head on your "signifigant other" or rolling over in bed and giving a friendly punch in the face while he's sleeping. Just to make sure he's still there.

Did you hear about the Irishman that put a condom on the wrong way round?
He went!

As per Jen's comment Oct. 11...

2005-10-24T22:51:00.000-06:00

Just for fun I found a video game with a Hero named Joe.

Hither and Yawn

2005-10-18T10:58:00.000-06:00

This morning I woke up to Ken cracking his butt-knuckles. Unless you know, don't ask!

I saw a ridiculous greeting card yesterday that reminded me of Patrick. It was just a little blank card with a tin (yes tin) kitty on the front and under the kitty it said: What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew? What's Mew?

We went to Edmonton and bought EVERYTHING! As usual, I drove home with a shopping hangover. Again, if you don't know, don't ask. I went a little crazy in IKEA and bought their entire supply of gift wrap. Woohoo! Too bad there's not alot of paying jobs as a gift wrapper. Seriously, it's my forte.

On the way home I also bought Walmart's entire supply of Campbell's Hot & Sour Noodle Soup. All 29 of them. The cashier actually asked me if I liked that soup. "No dumbass. I'm going to give it to the trick-or-treaters. Give those little shits some culture."

Speaking of Halloween, I thought of a good (ok, not good) costume. Simple (but sexy) little black dress, sparkly wings, and a big foam mug-of-beer hat. 10,000,000 points to whoever guesses what I am.

I just watched my first episode of Kenny vs Spenny. Of course it was the whocanstaynakedthelongest contest. Funnneeeee! I didn't quite get why there was a travelling band of leather-bound fellows carrying metal bats involved, but it was totally worth it! Ken and Sarah kept saying that the one naked guy looked like my brother. Wigged me out a little. Distracting. Eww.

Dil-don't Be Afraid to Answer Honestly

2005-10-12T00:36:00.000-06:00

You know when you mix different groups of friends together and a conversation that is acceptable for one may not be as comfortable for another?

A bunch of us went for dinner at a Tapas Bar the night of my stagette. At the table was a good mix of people. My friend Carrie, who is just going through her second divorce, started asking everyone if they had vibrators. I thought Nessy was going to choke on her Alfredo! Although I can be very candid with some friends, Nessy has been with my brother for the last 7 years and sex is not a topic we get into, so I really don't know how open she is about stuff. So I lightened the moment and told everyone that I didn't, but Ken did.

Later, some of the girls were bitching about pms, cramps and childbirth and how unfair it is to be a woman. "What advantages do we have over men?"
I wasn't really in the conversation but I answered "We can pee on them and tell them it was a g-spot orgasm!" Of course I was joking but I altered some opinions of me forever.

Hey, sometimes we gotta make our own fun!

Vernonitis

2005-10-11T23:58:00.000-06:00

I used to have a friend who affectionately referred to me as a stressbasket. I think stressgrenade is a bit more realistic.

I've gained 5 pounds and today I bought the first tube of Clearasil since I was 16. My baby is nuts. Ken doesn't miss me anymore. Both my Grandmas are trying to CHANGE my wedding. They call all the time and one is mad that the other keeps calling her looking for me. My brother is never talking to me again over a conversation I didn't even know about. I have three or four things I've been trying to resolve for a month and every time I get close to a solution it gets fucked up. I feel like instead of getting some support or help I have a bunch of people telling me how they would do it better. I can't complain because I'm "the one who wanted a wedding" That's almost as comforting as "I told you so." But not quite.

Sometimes I wish the whole world would just climb up it's own ass and die.

On the whole I feel pretty good.

Last night I went to bed at two and Celia decided that four would be a good time to start her day. A few hours later I finally got her to calm down and dozed off just long enough to have a horrible nightmare. I woke up wishing Joe was around to hug because in my dream he was the only one who was nice to me! No pressure, Joe!!

I went to the movies and saw The Wedding Crashers and it was pretty funny. Vince Vaughn is big, dopey, sleazy and a little overweight. I'm sooo going to start stalking him when Ken dumps me for spending too much time in Vernon!

I went to the doctor today with Celia and he looked up her nose and said something about snotburgers. Awesome. Apparently the chorus of death rattles between the two of us is nothing to worry about. I knew it. I had to listen to my mom though, so as not to risk the guilt of an unneccessarily sick kiddo. I was a little disappointed to hear that bleeding from my ear is just something I should get used to. When people ask me why my brains are leaking out of my head I tell them "Because it's sexy, stupid"

I think my future mother-in-law is trying to kill me.

2005-10-10T21:59:00.000-06:00

This is it. I'm starting to lose it. Frankly I'm surprised I lasted this long.

Mental Disablahblahblah

2005-10-10T00:07:00.000-06:00

People keep saying things to me about how happy I seem since I've been here because there's things to do and people to see and stuff. Everyone thinks it's great because it means I'm not really depressed, just unhappy with my life and my home etc. The good news is it's not physical, it's mental! Yee-fucking-haw, I say. What the hell? Am I supposed to feel good about this?? What would everyone have me do, pack up and leave High Prairie by myself? I love Ken waaay more than I hate High Prairie and I'd never expect him to give up a good job for me. It's not an option. If he were to decide it was in our best interest that would be different and that might be great. But, who's to say things would be any better somewhere else? Maybe I'm just not crying and moping around the house because I don't have any privacy here. Maybe everyone else around here has such fucked up shit that mine doesn't seem so bad. Maybe if I let myself get sad I know I'll have to stay sad until my honey comes and puts Humpty back together again. Hah! I do know that I'm going to LOSE MY FUCKING MIND if this baby keeps on like she has for the last 3 days. Yay for Aunty Nessy coming tomorrow! It would be better if I had wheels here, that's for sure. My mom works everyday and tonight my dad came to take us for dinner and the carseat couldn't be tethered to his vehicle. We ordered in and Celia decided to make strange. This kid has never been shy in her little life and tonight she screamed bloody murder the whole time my dad and sibs were here. I felt bad. I think my dad felt bad because he left his jacket and cell phone here and lives out of town and has to come back tomorrow. Celia won't sleep or eat or let me change her. She finally passed out upstairs and now I have to move her and she'll wake up and be up all friggen night.
Wow, what a rant! I need to periodically spew and then I feel great. Like a blog-enema! Have I mentioned this before? It sounds familiar.

Maybe if I change my hair I'll feel better.

In the meantime, I think I'll snoop around ebay until it's way past my bedtime. Mmmmm....ebay.

Celia & Max

2005-10-07T01:46:00.000-06:00

Eye Candy

2005-10-03T00:04:00.000-06:00

Love it. Love it. Love it.

http://www.pbase.com/accl/hong_kong

Booya!

2005-10-02T23:31:00.000-06:00

Life plan of the immediate future:

Survive wedding
Survive wedding night
Survive New Years in Vernon
Go to Cuba
Smoke cigars
Scuba dive
Learn to dance
Try not to cry coming home
Get knocked up

...serious

Just had my stagette and it was a blast! Dadadadadada da Tequila! Drank everyone under the table and wasn't even a little bit sick the next day. Woohoo! Pretty good considering how little I drink now. We came home a little earlier than I hoped but 2/3 of our little gang had the flu and/or a bad cold. Sexy! Anyone out there know Tenille? Pictures of her two-stepping to follow in the (hopefully) not-too distant future. Wheee!

Whatever else you may have heard is simply not true. In fact it's all a bold-faced lie. I wasn't even there.

Beautiful

2005-09-29T12:13:00.000-06:00

I really wanted to play with a picture Jen posted on her Blog that I thought was very touching. I only used the reflection in the background. I hope you don't mind Jen.

Trapped in Purgatory

2005-09-25T11:23:00.000-06:00

Actually, this is not a post about High Prairie, though the title would work. Scratch that. Purgatory is the Catholic dreaded waiting period/place between Heaven and Hell. Sort of like The Green Room of the Afterlife. High Prairie is that place in between Hell and Nowhere.

I HAVE A HAD A HORRIBLE WEEK!!! It's better now and I can Blog about it. A few days ago I was so angry I would have surely written myself a one-way ticket to Hell via Blasphemy.
In a nutshell: After almost a year of preparation, the Catholic Church informs me (when I called them to double-check something) that they cannot perform our marriage due to a technicality and everyone forgot to tell us. Boy, am I glad I'm obsessive-compulsive and didn't wait until a week before the wedding to call. Like I was SUPPOSED to do!
Let me just clarify that I refuse to get married by a Justice of the Peace but am open to other churches, within reason. The other churches all require relationship counselling because it is a slightly different program than the Catholics use. Let me just say that if I tried to get Ken to go through that again, there wouldn't be a wedding to worry about.
Some of the other things I've heard this week:
1. You can't get married by the United Church, they support abortion. Get married by a JP instead. (What do they support I wonder?)
2. You can get married by the United Church, they'll marry anyone. Even gays.
3. You can get married by the United Church, they'll marry anyone. Even homos.
4. Make sure after you get married, Ken gets an annullment and you can have it blessed by the Catholic church and made REAL.
5. Just postpone the wedding! * As I explained the $$ already put down in advance to caterers, florists, etc, I was told I should have got insurance. sigh
6. Sorry, our Church is closed for the Christmas holiday. (insert sound of my head imploding here)
7. I think that day is a stat. (Since when does God have a union??)

Need I say more? I could go on and on with specifics but I feel my head may explode. A very nice retired Anglican Minister has agreed to help us without making us jump through all the hoops. He is familliar with all of the Catholic requirements and also feels bad that they ALMOST RUINED OUR WEDDING! (sorry)
There are of still a bunch of pain-in-the-butt things that need to be done again, documents located and faxed, etc. So far it's good but my nerves are a little frayed and, due to a couple of variables, I'm hoping another distaster will not strike.
A month ago my Dad said, "No matter how hard you work and how much planning you do, something always goes wrong before the wedding." Here I was worrying I wouldn't be able to find any extra-long candycanes for the tables!

Of course you realize all of the invitations and maps have the wrong address on them now.....

Awww, We're Growing Up... or something

2005-09-15T23:27:00.000-06:00

Upon arriving in Vernon the other night Ken was excited to spot a new RONA store. We cruised down main street and the highlight of the mainard was the discovery of a brand new home furnishings store. Wheee! We've reached that point in our lives where we are trying to figure out exactly what it is we want to achieve in life and how exactly we should go about doing it. Like two drunken monkeys searching for the last magical banana. At NASCAR. On ice. It's really a work in progress.
Two ideas we've been kicking around are a small business or something in marketing. I've always loved the thought of being a bigwig ad exec like Steve Martin in 90% of his movies. The business could be tourism related, perhaps in B.C. The only problem is all those damn tourists. If it were to be in High Prairie it would probably have to be something like an ongoing garage sale for anyone to be interested. What else does everyone like? Smelling a brainstorm.... Aha! Sex! We'll open a second hand sex shop! I've already got the perfect name. Come Again. Hmmm, maybe I will pursue a career in advertising! I'm positive we'd be making money hand over fist.

Ground control to Major Tom....

2005-08-27T22:28:00.001-06:00

I've turned into some kind of voyeur. I discovered EarthCam, live webcams all over the world. Not sexy, just streets, etc. Red Square, Times Square, Penguins in a zoo in Germany or whatever. I especially enjoy watching the New York scenes. There is a streaming camera with sounds and everything. Sometimes I am horribly certain that this is the closest I'll get to these places and I just want to wallow in self-pity. What if I die before I get to see everything??? I realize what a moronic statement that is but I have such a hunger, no a yearning, to see these places that it feels ... well unfair! I know that sounds alot like whining, especially since I went to South Africa earlier this year, but that seemed to make my need more urgent. I swear to God nothing acquaints you with your own mortality like having a kid. Another cool way to pass time -Google Earth!

Chipmunk Banter

2005-08-27T11:04:00.000-06:00

Somehow Ken and I ended up discussing Alvin & the Chipmunks the other day. I said their name makes no sense. It should be Dave & the Chipmunks, The Chipmunks, or Alvin & the Other Two Chipmunks if you see my point. Alvin and the Chipmunks implies that Alvin is something other than a Chipmunk! Looks like a Chipmunk to me. Perhaps they should be called Alvin-the-Imposter & Simon the Real Chipmunk & Theodore the Other Real Chipmunk. Ken informed me that it's actually pronounced "Elvin" to which I wondered why is there an A on his shirt and he said there wasn't and he was going to kill me blahblahblah. See picture below and let me just say "Ahem."

I'm so glad I blogged this, my life has purpose again!

Next week's topics:
1. Why Do the So Called Chipmunks Have No Tails?
2. Who is This Dave and Why Does He Hang With 3-Foot Singing Rodents?

Back in a jiffy.

2005-08-14T20:52:00.000-06:00

Alright, alright I haven't posted for a while. I have nothing to say that's more interesting than me watching all of the Sopranos episodes in chronological order. I'm almost at the end of season four so I should be back in action in no time. Damn Joe! Also, due to recent blogging events, I have a feeling -a very bad feeling- that the bad-pun floodgates will be opening and I will be all over that like white on rice. Enter Troy. So, to recap: 1. I'm not dead. 2. Sopranos rock! 3. I'll be back in action soon. 4. White is on rice. Over & out mofo.

Some stuff I typed one night in s. africa...

2005-06-14T23:27:00.000-06:00

(china doll)

translucent

like pale parchment

celia’s skin

blue-white and pink

soft

like a wilting flower

a small china doll

when she is sleeping

(africa)

warm and damp

like a mother’s tears

as her children cling to her

so not to fall off

africa

so alive

but dying

so fast

(aids in south africa)

what monster is this

who kills through love

and ignorance

rumours of conspiracy

and genocide

from a far away land

filled with hate

(floyding)

lying on our backs

in the blue room

smoking

while pink floyd rides the smoke curls

across the foot of the bed

and we feel the words

touch down

one at a time

(mine)

pale and slight

but arms that hug

like a buick

and eyes that are both

young and old

and happy and sad

and a smile like sunshine

he smells like perfume

and sweat

and teenage lust

i want to touch him

for he seems

too perfect

whatever

Jerk-off Jerk-off

2005-06-02T23:15:00.000-06:00

I mentioned earlier that everyone feels compelled to confide in me their deep dark secrets. Here's one that has a funny story to go with it. When I lived at the coast I met a guy through some friends. We kind of hit it off but nothing really came of it (alas, he was a weeper.) He told me that he was a compulsive masterbater. Not kidding. He was totally cronic. It consumed him and he never really engaged in sexual activity with anyone because he didn't think he would enjoy it as much. I promised not to say anything and pretended it was no big deal. I could care less, but I wasn't going to go out with him! A few weeks later a bunch of us were driving into Vancouver to go to a club and our mutual friend said she was going to play a special song just for him. She proceeded to play Choke My Chicken by 20 Fingers and ribbed him mercilessly. If you are not familiar with the song it is about a guy who jerks off every day. The funny part is that I never breathed a word to anyone. She was just teasing him and he must have thought I blabbed to everyone. I was in the front seat and I could feel his eyes burning into the back of my head. I'm sure he hates me to this day. I don't care, the guy was a jerk-off anyway.

Sex Matters

2005-06-02T15:08:00.000-06:00

Today I caught about 15 minutes of Oprah on t.v. So far I haven't totally fallen into the pit of housewifedom, including a daily regime of Oprah, soaps, and The Price is Right. I have other vices that I'm not getting into. Anyways, the topic was SEX! One of the questions posed to the supposed expert at the scene was if it's normal for a female to have a higher sex drive than her male spouse. Immediately, the sexologist (or whatever) asked if the woman received any quality one-on-one time with man in a nonsexual way. She replied "Not enough" and the problem was simply reduced to a lack of intimacy. Wifey was told to stop trying to force sex upon her husband because it was not really sex she needed, but some quality time. Cuddling and such. Case closed. Well. Fine. At first I thought this was a decent point, the lack of intimacy thing, but suppose it's actually a SEX THING? Maybe wifey just needs the bone! Is it so absurd that a woman may have a higher sex drive than a man? Alas, I will keep in mind that Dr. Phil was also an expert on Oprah and we all know he's as smart as a bag of cornflakes.

Deutsch Heute

2005-05-30T10:45:00.000-06:00

I tried out an online translator for fun:

Hallo. Heute dachte ich, daß ich mein gesamtes Blog auf Deutsch schreiben würde. Es ist eine lange Zeit gewesen, da ich es studiert habe, also ich ein wenig betrog. Noch wettete ich, daß es mich erscheinen läßt hübsches intelligentes. Ken hat das Hören zu den deutschen CDS in seiner Ersatzzeit begonnen, also muß ich auf meinen Zehen halten, um vor ihm zu bleiben. Ich habe eine harte Zeit mit den Tempora und der Wortstellung, jedoch. Deshalb benutze ich einen Übersetzer. Wenn er ganz herauf ihn ist wirklich nicht meine Störung geschraubt wird! Ha Ha.

This is basically what I wrote:

Hello. Today I thought that I would write my entire Blog in German. It has been a long time since I studied it, so I cheated a bit. Still I bet that it makes me appear pretty smart. Ken began listening to German CDS in his spare time, so I have to stay on my toes to keep ahead of him. I’m having a hard time with the tenses and the word positions, however, so I used a translator. If it’s totally screwed up it’s really not my fault! Ha ha.

This is how it translates:

Hello. Today I thought that I would write my entire Blog on German. It was a long time, since I studied it, thus I a little betrog. Still I bet that it lets me appear pretty intelligent. Ken began a hearing to the German CDS in its spare time, therefore I must hold on my toes, in order to remain before him. I have a hard time with the tenses and the word position, however. Therefore I use a translator. If it completely up it is not really my disturbance is screwed! Hectar hectar.

Not too bad. Unfortunately, I don’t think it makes me appear any smarter.
What the hell is Hectar Hectar?

hehe ...hold on my toes... he

Yay for Coffee!

2005-05-30T10:10:00.000-06:00

I learned something about coffee yesterday.
The coffee bush is a tropical evergreen and would naturally grow up to 20-30 feet tall, however, bushes are typically trimmed to 3-7 feet to accommodate hand picking of the cherries. Each coffee cherry produces 2 green beans and it takes approximately 2,000 cherries of 4,000 beans to produce one pound of coffee.

Each coffee bush on average produces approximately 1-2lbs of roasted coffee per year. It takes a young coffee bush 4-5 years to produce it's first crop.

-Coffee Association of Canada

When you factor in the volcanoes, witch doctors, and extreme top secrecy surrounding the Starbucks beans, you can almost understand why their coffee costs so much.

My friend Treena was propositioned by a guy at the hardware store. She told him "My husband does things for me you couldn't even begin to do" I thought that was fantastic. Then I started thinking, what things? Is she referring to the obvious, nice house, he builds stuff, etc. Or does he do other weird, kinky things? Naturally my curiosity is peaked.

My Thesis on Crappy Literature

2005-05-29T19:55:00.000-06:00

I've never been able to understand the whole reading on the toilet phenomenon. Some people will be racing around, butt-cheeks clenched, eyes manic, demanding reading material. If you ask them what for? they're bound to reply "It helps me to relax." I'm no expert, but if you're in that much of a frenzy that you'll read anything, you don't need to relax, you need to take a crap first. There is literature specifically written for the event. Has everyone read the Uncle John's Bathroom Readers? I'm going to start a Blog called Aunt Flo's Bathroom Blog -We Put The Log in Blog (or do we work it out?) Sorry, I crossed the line there.
If I do a cross word every night before bed, before long I get tired everytime I start one. Do people have to shit every time they read the paper. And that's another thing! Have you ever seen the asshole who takes the complementary newspaper in Denny's to the can and brings it back in 15 min. Ewww.

Holy Ejaculating Panties, Batman!

2005-05-26T12:04:00.000-06:00

I went into this new store in town where they sell all types of overpriced, designer clothes. I bought some punk panties for a friend. You know, skulls and ejaculating flowers and such. Included with the panties was a free religious amulet. Do I even need to continue typing? Thank you God for the sex flowers and our skulls? They also carried a line of Jlo clothes. Of course these only look good on Ms. Lopez and birthday cakes. Most of the clothes ranged from an extra-small to a medium. There were some larges, but they weren't. The girl says "Our sizes go all the way up to a 34 . If I can fit them, you can fit them." First of all, two of her could have a 3-legged race in my pants. Second, everybody in this town is fat! The only ones who could fit into most of this stuff are teenagers, and what teenager can spend $85 on a tank top? I give them 6 months. I did buy a skirt and fell in love with a totally unnecessary 80s cult top that I couldn't afford but looked pretty foxy on.
Did I mention the salesgirl kept on bringing up Ken? Ooh, are you daddy's girl? Is Ken on shift work? Does Ken Watch alot of hockey? Ooh you have a good daddy, don't you? Ooh, tell daddy to buy this for mommy?
blah blah blah

Working up the Strength for Morning

2005-05-19T11:04:00.000-06:00

I have a headache and this is the third night I've woken from horrible nightmares. All terror aside, I've really been enjoying sleeping with the window open, cool fresh air filling the room. Ken huddled under a quilt, shivering his ass off. My favorite way to sleep is when the window's open and it's very cool in the room, me buried under a duvet and a quilt (it's all about the weight of the blankets!) Ken likes 1 little blanket in a warm room. A bird may love a fish but where would they live? It doesn't really matter because they need seperate beds anyways.
It's been rainy here too so the air smells extra refreshing, clean. It rained a couple of days ago and the power went out for 5 hours. No thunder or lightning, just a little rain. That always happens in this crazy-ass, backwoods, hick-town. All the businesses close early and you get sent home with a smaller cheque. Last year it got a little windy and rainy and the power AND the phone lines went down for a whole day.
So far today I've made 2 really bad pots of coffee and discovered a hair in the jello that looks suspiciously like cat. That's nothing compared to the spider I found baked into the bread last night. I think it was a spider, hard to count legs when you're screaming in disgust.
I have to go to the doctor today and find out some results from 2 months ago. They never call you back to let you know what's up. They took 6 vials of blood and a dozen x-rays. I already know that a section of my spine looks like a trail of breadcrumbs on gravel, I'd just like to know what they can do for me. Stinking rat-bastards.
As I mentioned, our bathroom is being renovated and there is shit everywhere. I can't even wash my floor with any degree of sincerity and it's getting pretty hairy. I also babysit a 2 year old during the week and she's everywhere. Anyways, the guy hasn't shown up for a week to work on it so I called him and left a polite message asking if everything is ok as we haven't heard from him. Swearing at the furniture is getting me nowhere.
My motivation is waning, time to leave the house.

Kookoo for Keebler Kaka

2005-05-18T00:11:00.000-06:00

Is there CSI underwear? If so, I need it.
I need to find another good crime game. I tried the Law & Order demo because I heard it was comparable to the CSI games and I almost threw the laptop out the window. I can't even figure out where my own desk is! Regardless, the stupid comments are so inane I don't think I could tolerate a whole game of them.
I'm also addicted to Salt and Vinegar popcorn seasoning. One major drawback is if you inhale too close to it, you almost die. Kind of like an outhouse in the summer or smelly feet just removed from workboots, or egg salad. Bleagh. Mom always has egg salad in her fridge and it smells like a fart factory for 20 mins after you open the door. Like the keebler elves are busy brewing up a batch of badboys just for me in there.
Three things that make me retch instantly: tomatoes, egg salad & potatoe salad. Oh and this one dish my old boss made for his family after work at the Chinese restaurant. I never tasted it and I don't know what it was or what it looked like, but think it may have involved pig feet. Everytime I entered the room, I gagged. When I went home I hurled all night from the stench. Never has that happened before! I like to try different things and will try anything once (unless it involves getting peed on or the like.) That's right, peepee is poopoo. Haahaa.

No VWs were harmed in the making of this Blog.

2005-05-18T00:00:00.000-06:00

Of course now that I have a few minutes I can't remember all the fabulous things I had planned to blog about. Drat!
My friend Deron said something that almost made beer come out my nose at the bar a couple of weeks ago. I was asking why extremely obese women think they can get away with wearing those thin, white cottony-spandex pants. He said "It's like watching two volkswagens parallel park- It's not pretty, but it's admirable."
On that happy note, Goodnight!

Domestic Drivel

2005-05-15T11:23:00.000-06:00

We picked up a few groceries in Walmart in G.P. the other day. I figured out what exactly the same items would cost (before taxes) if we purchased them here in town and compared totals.
Walmart, Grande Prairie: $77.20
Freson IGA, High Prairie: $125.78
This is precisely why I bitch so much. This is just a few items. When I have to buy diapers and such, that's where it gets really hairy!

We had to have a baby to understand the actual function of a belly-button. It's a place to keep your cheerios! Last night Ken stripped her down and carried her from her room to the bath (quickly, to avoid getting peed on) and, after placing her in the clean water, discovered a lone cheerio. It was baffling. Occasionally renegade cheerios jump off the baby, seemingly from nowhere. Like ticks! Obviously she doesn't keep them in her diaper. That's where she stashes her crack!

Ken still thinks he can outwit me.
Me: "I guess it doesn't matter what you wear to get our picture taken, you always look like a slob! Haha."
Him: "How would you like a picture taken with two black eyes?"
Me: "Two black guys?! Great!"

Dear Diary...

2005-05-11T23:35:00.000-06:00

Tonight I miss my Grandpa alot. Listening to Patsy Cline always reminds me of him, the way he was before his stroke. He was all about garage sales and building things in his basement (he was about 80% blind [and still drove a Buick]) and he smelled like Afta and toast. His hair was greasy with brillcream and he wore thick, black-rimmed glasses. When I was little he taught me how to play Rummy, Blackjack, Poker, etc and when I was older, much to my Grandmother's chagrine, told me dirty jokes. He had a stroke and remained paralysed in a nursing home for 11 years. He died a year ago and I didn't make it to the funeral as my baby was only 2 weeks old. I wonder if I'm lacking the closure of a service? I still feel horribly guilty for not visiting more. It was like it wasn't him anymore. He had a short attention span and couldn't do most of the things I remembered him for. I was sad when he died, but relieved -both for him and my Grandma. More guilt about that? Maybe. The last thing he mentioned was the baby. Papa and I shared a birthday. I just wanted to get this down. For myself.
Memories and sad feelings are healthy once in a while and it's important to "enjoy" them. Any teenage girl who's ever sang-cried to a rock ballad over and over again will agree. These moments are to be savoured!
It's probably not super good news that I cry over my cat that died 3 years ago every time I try to sing along to Dreamer by Supertramp.

Don't judge me.

Master-berater

2005-05-11T10:48:00.000-06:00

Today the girl that works at the vitamin store told us that she wore a t-shirt that said I'd Rather Be Masturbating to some event at her kid's school. Maybe I'm neurotic (ok, I definitely am) but I'm extremely aware of stuff like that. My brother-in-law had a bumper sticker that read Everytime you masturbate, God kills a kitten. I totally laughed my ass off but I would hate to have to explain it to my kid. Especially since some kids are ultrasensitive and although they might act like they understand it's a bad joke, secretly think themselves a deviant, kitten-killer until they are 20 years old.

On another note...
Trying to keep the baby from leaping off the bed when I'm trying to catch a few more winks, is like wrestling a bloody midget. She hurls herself on top of me, her legs already scrambling to launch her over the side. Meanwhile we are both screaming in protest. Good times.

A reply to Patrick's comment of Dec. 29

2005-05-09T12:10:00.000-06:00

I figured no one read that far back (4 whole entries ago!)
The comment was made that, while we are abundant with Christmas flicks, no Easter movies really exist. Coming from a religious background, the hystrionics of which I won't get into, it is assumed that every movie about Christ's life/death is an Easter movie. The Passion of the Christ fits into this category. Nothing makes you feel all warm and fuzzy like sitting down with a bowl of popcorn and watching the saviour of the world getting chunks of flesh ripped off of him. Good movie though. Other titles that may be associated with Easter are Jesus, Jesus Christ Superstar, The Greatest Story Ever Told (more of an epic Bible tale), Here Comes Peter Cottontail, and It's the Easter Beagle Charlie Brown.
I'm sure everyone feels enlightened now and is at peace with the world. You're welcome!

Take a left on Pork Street until you hit Burrito Boulevard...

2005-05-09T10:53:00.000-06:00

While driving to my brother's, I looked up at the sign and thought it said Pork Street. It was actually Park Street, but it got me to thinking. There are subdivisions where all the streets are named after birds, or trees, or precious gems, so why not meat? E.g. Pork Place, Burrito Boulevard, Bung Avenue, West Breast Crescent (in the Poultry Park area of course) Then my Mom yells out "Taco Trail" and coffee almost comes out my nose. After much discussion and a mild coffee spray we decided this would be an acceptable pronoun. For example: Get outta my face you taco-trailing, rat-bastard, ass-bandit! Rat-bastard is one of my mother's favorite terms, as is Whoring-sons-of-bitches. These terms are best used casually and without raising the voice. First say "I'm going to the coffee shop around two, see you there." Now in the exact same tone of voice say "I'm going to see if those whoring-sons-of-bitches at the bank have my account sorted out yet." Easy-peasy!

Things I hate today:
Shitty customer service (50-80% of Vernon)
People who give me parenting advice when their little monsters are clearly screwed up
Acid wash anything
Maxwell House coffee
Liars
People who will bitch for a year about something/someone but never attempt to deal with it

What in the hell is the matter with everyone working retail in Vernon? I'm trying to plan a friggen wedding there and now my choices are based solely on the customer service I get. I'm willing to pay a little more to not have to deal with useless assholes all day. Futureshop (Vernon only) may be the worst yet. Everytime I go in there, there are more staff than customers and you still have to wait a half an hour. It's like a bunch of monkeys put on uniforms and run around in circles. Like the Shriners at a parade- it's neat how they go around and around and never smash into one another, but does anyone know what they actually do?

Quotes from The Kentucky Fried Movie:

The popcorn you're eating has been pissed in. Film at eleven. -Newscaster

Moscow in flames, missiles headed toward New York. Film at eleven. -Newscaster

I'm not wearing any pants. Film at eleven. -Newscaster

Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can aquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: 1. Rigor mortis. 2. A rotting smell. 3. Occasional drowsiness. -Henry Gibson

Little Girl Lost -PSYCH!

2005-05-08T00:40:00.000-06:00

When I was in Vernon, a couple of weeks ago, a 9 year old girl went missing. As I understand it, she went missing at around 9am in her pjs. By 2pm the sky was filled with helicopters and the creek had been searched. I left town for a couple of hours and when I returned I heard that she had been at her friend's house the whole time. I was relieved but slightly annoyed at the idiocy of the whole thing. Unfortunatley I can't enjoy a good rant as I don't know the details.
sigh.
I hope I'm as good a parent as I am a judge of other parents.

Subtle as an Axe in the Face

2005-05-07T10:58:00.000-06:00

It's been pointedly noted that I haven't blogged in a couple of months blah blah.

There's nothing like coming home after a month of "holidays" (I use this term loosely as my family is a soap opera in a class all it's own) to a demolished house. The master bath is gone, the wall to the kitchen also gone, and the contents to the pantry all over the floor. There is a door beside the kitchen table and a shop vac underneath it. The table is covered with light bulbs, tools, assorted spices, etc. My sushi dishes are buried by the back door under the toaster oven and some are broken. The ENTIRE upstairs is covered in a layer of drywall dust. Perfect living conditions to bring a baby home to. Best of all I get to share a teeny tiny bathroom with 4 boys. Did I mention filthy? The only thing I hear out of Ken is "Are you mad?" I'm not, although some things are preventable and I would have thought of them ahead of time. Ahem.

Good movies I've seen latley:
Saw
The Incredibles
Something's gotta give (just kidding, that was the ultimate in crappy crap)

Well I have to ease into this slowly so as not to injure myself. My blog-hymen has grown over. Ewwwww! Ya well suck it up princess, I know that's why you love me! I'll try to keep at it. I certainly don't need my lack-of-blog thrown in my face everytime I have dinner.

Quotes:

Oh, this is almost as bad as that time I forgot how to sit down! -Peter, Family Guy

Never judge a book by it's movie. -J.W. Eagan

Home is Where the Nipple Is

2005-02-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

While we were flying around Sabie and area in South Africa Ken Sr. showed us the fastest way to find home: the mountain shaped like a giant nipple. Somehow the phrase "Home is where the nipple is" just stuck, probably because we are a bunch of perverts and degenerates. Most likely, in fact. I decided rather than get into some long winded story of our trip that you've already read about on Ken's blog, I would point form some of the things I found most interesting. Here goes:

Germany

1. The Frankfurt Sheraton at $304 CAD per night had the nicest hotel bathroom I've ever seen. It also had the scratchiest toilet paper ever! Beside the toilet was a tiny hook as if to hang a washcloth off of it. Maybe this is to encourage you to bring your own bumcloth?? The shower/bath had 4 faucets, including temperature control. Naturally there was a phone above the toilet.

2. The Frankfurt Premium Hotel at approx $120 per night looked like a scene from National Lampoon's European Vacation. There were 2 single beds pushed together that kept flying apart, and a water meter in the john that spun around every time the toilet flushed. There was a door to the fire escape that fell off the hinges if you tried to open it. The phone beeped inexplicably every time I was alone in the room.

3. Although the menu varies, fries at McDonalds in Germany are the same as here.

4. The streets in Frankfurt smell of sewage.

5. Germany's expensive. The tax is included in the prices but is 23 or 24%

6. Smoking and dogs are welcome everywhere. Drinking and sex are too.

7. There are no farms or acreages anywhere and no one seems to own any land. Every few miles is a new town. Tiny, compact, houses bunched together and a steeple in the middle. No strays. Just green, rolling countryside until the next little town.

8. You could totally see evidence of the war everywhere. The new buildings follow the same design as the old and were erected where the old ones were blasted out. On a typical street you might see old house, old house, new house, old house, new house, new house, old house. The new houses obviously built on the ruins of a bomb victim. We saw a tower in between a bunch of houses in Wiesbaden that was dated 1351.

9. It's next to impossible to find a German restaurant. Every place sells Thai, Chinese, Indian or Italian food. Every place is also a bar, but babies are welcome. There is no such thing as a non-smoking section.

South Africa

1. You have NOT experienced a thunderstorm until you've been through one in S.A. It's like God gets pissed off and kicks your house. And LOUD.

2. Everyone on the road has a death wish. FYI they drive on the other side, like Brits.

3. Most of the toilets have attendants so the bathrooms are pretty clean. You have to tip the cleaners but it's usually only like 40 cents. If the bathroom has soap, it is in bar form and you dry your hands on a towel, something I think is illegal here. All the toilets have insane water pressure and the water goes down in the opposite direction.

4. Many of the black people have several clear plastic pop bottles full of water strewn about their yards. This is to keep dogs off the grass.

5. Houses are brick or plaster, wood houses are scoffed at. There is no indoor heating anywhere.

6. Black men hold hands in public as a sign of brotherhood.

7. We stopped at the daycare in the black village of Simile and there were over 65 kids in one room with only 3 adults. It smelled like a barn and there were no lights. The kids sang us some songs and I wanted to cry.

And I'm tired of talking about it.

Ken was very happy to be home. I was just happy I didn't end up on a slab that read Cause of Death: Diarrhea.

Ken wants two things. More babies and more time for himself. I figure if he gets one, the other is highly unlikely to follow. Either that or I'm royally screwed.
So many people read his blog, including some of my family and friends, that I'm considering starting a new secret blog that no one knows about under an anonymous name so that I can vent, bitch, gossip, without consequence.

Proud to be a Christmas Cheeseball

2004-12-29T19:13:00.000-07:00

As per request, here are my Holiday movies!
You don't have to ask me twice. Hell, you usually don't have to ask me once.

animated:
1. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
2. Babes in Toyland (sucks, but it was a gift)
3. Winnie the Pooh: Seasons of Giving
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas
5. It's Chriistmas Again, Charlie Brown
6. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
7. Mickey's Christmas Carol
8. A Garfield Christmas
9. Mickey's Once Upon a Christmas
10. The 12 Days of Christmas
11. Silent Night
12. Santa Claus' First Christmas
13. Good King Wenceslas

black & white classics:
14. It's a Wonderful Life
15. Miracles on 34th Street
16. A Christmas Carol (1951)
17. The Bishop's Wife

other:
18. Home Alone
19. Home Alone 2 (stop judging me)
20. How the Grinch Stole Christmas
21. The Santa Claus
22. The Santa Claus 2
23. A Christmas Carol (1951, colorized, also a gift)
24. Christmas Vacation
25. Scrooged
26. Mixed Nuts
27. A Christmas Story
28. Love Actually (not about Christmas exactly but based around it)
29. Home for the Holidays (actually about Thanksgiving but close enough)
(30. I used to own A Flintstone Christmas Carol but it broke and I threw it out)

still to collect:
1. Rudolph and the Isle of the Misfit Toys
2. The Little Drummer Boy
3. Frosty the Snowman
4. Frosty Returns (maybe)
5. Jack Frost (animated, narrated by Buddy Hackett
and anything else that looks heartwarmingly cheesy and is on sale

Christmas movies that scared the crap outta me when I was little:
1. Silent Night Deadly Night
2. The Nutcracker (the claymation version with the ragman that used to snatch little children out of their beds scared the bejeepers out of my brother and I so bad that we still have to discuss it each year as a sort of therapy)

worst Christmassy movie ever:
Jack Frost (1997) -This is not the one with Michael Keaton or the one mentioned above. It is a cheese-ass horror that is so stupid a snowman takes the carrot (nose) off his face and rapes a woman with it)

This concludes yet another peek into my dementia. Thanks for joining us!

A cup of cheer

2004-12-25T19:51:00.000-07:00

Merry Christmas etc. It's Christmas Day and I'm trying to decide which is most Christmassy for dinner, noodle soup or a meat pie. How totally depressing. It's been a nice day though. Ken had to sleep all day but we opened gifts this a.m. and I spent hours on the phone and helped baby open all her gifts. She got Cat in the Hat panties! Fantastic. (She's only 9 months old but that's ok) I miss my family ALOT this time of year and have been generally bummed out lately. Things will look better tomorrow when Ken is off for a few days and we begin planning dinner. His brother will come over for turkey and it will feel a bit more like a holiday. Have I mentioned I lucked out, finding myself with a sugar daddy who gets me EVERYTHING I WANT! Portable dvd player- woohoo. Waterglobe- woohoo. Breadmaker- woo-you-bet-your-ass-hoo! I can't wait to get some yeast. (Bet you don't hear that too often) I wonder if you can buy low-fat flour? Doubtful. Mmm bread. I see they made a sequel to the classic movie A Christmas Story. About 10 years too late I might add. There's actually a Culkin starring as the main character. I hate that. Of course Mary Steenberger (or whatever the hell her name is) is the 50's mom. Could she be anything else? I think she must be the least sexy actress/person ever. And what's with her voice. She's married to Ted Danson. The thought of them in bed together is almost enough to make my head explode.

And on that happy note...

I have 28 Christmas movies. Hi my name is Tracy and I'm an addict.

Not Dead

2004-12-18T10:37:00.000-07:00

I am not dead, just busy and/or lazy. By busy I mean, of course, Christmassy. Is that with one 's' or two? Either way I put the ass in it. Baby's a maniac and Ken's sicker than three dogs on a transit strike. I love Christmas and the way it makes mostly normal people do even supider things than usual. My grandma spent $65 on a new artificial tree when she has a perfectly nice (and fairly new) one in her bedroom closet. She did this because she didn't want to have to pull all her shoes out to get at it. Thus she spent three days running all over town trying to find the perfect, smaller tree. Granted, the woman has at least 100 pairs of shoes in there. It is a disease that has been passed to my mother but not to me. If they both die I will be up to my eyeballs in expensive shoes that are too small for me. I do have a weakness for black shoes but recognize that I will probably never wear most of them so can pass the rack without dropping any cash. I can't judge Grandma about the tree because I have enough Christmas cards to last me six years! That is until yesterday when I bought 2 more boxes. For next year. On sale. Drat! Maybe I can't judge, but I can blame. I get this compulsion to Christmas shop years in advance from my Grandma. Also, watching my Mom shopping at 7:00 p.m. on Christmas Eve inspires me to get everything bought before Dec. 15th if humanly possible. This year Ken will make a turkey again, at my request, and I will make a roast, at his, but not on the same day. I will also be making a black forest cheese cake. Mmmmmm. Two of my favorite things in the world. I wonder if Ken will let me eat it off of him. God bless us everyone!

Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no. We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. And when Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse. -Clark (Christmas Vacation, 1989)

Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window. -Ralphie (Christmas Story, 1983)

Shitstorm

2004-11-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

Everyone has been sick with a horrible flu. I wrote a haiku to commemorate the event.

Everyone is sick
Projectiling everywhere
Sleeping near toilets

Apparently the post office is thinking of striking by Dec. 8th. Is this some new Christmas tradition? What's that? Another haiku you say? Okay.

Canada Post sucks
Always striking at Christmas
Yet Greyhound is worse

Here is one more about deworming the cat.

Wrapped in a blanket
Foam, spit, howls, tears, even blood
Kitten is mad too

A Memory to Cherish

2004-11-16T18:34:00.000-07:00

When I was about 16, my mom used to have this massager thing with rubber attachments for your back, feet, neck, etc. She let Dad have it for his neck. One day, Dad, my brother and I are sitting in Waddy's Restaurant and, just as the waitress shows up to take our order, he says "I've been feeling so much better since I've been using your mother's vibrator!"

Fun in the Kitchen with Trixi

2004-11-15T13:08:00.000-07:00

If you like chocolate, hazelnuts and sex, you must try a Kinder Bueno bar. (insert visual of Homer Simpson-type drool here)

I found a recipe for Cat Shit Cookies on the internet this morning. Not made of cat shit, but look the part. Lightly rolled in grape nuts no less (to simulate litter) and with a variety of add ins to compliment the look you are going for. Eg. chocolate chunks (shit chunks), butterscotch chips (diarrhea), coconut (worms), corn (who the fuck feeds their cat corn?) and so on. There are two base recipes so you can pick the overall shit-shade, chocolate or gingerbread. I'll be sure to file these Shit Cookies in my recipe box in between Vomit Soups and VD Smoothies.

Vomit Soups:

Mexican Fiesta
Beef Stew Redux
Bologna Minestrone
Chinese Up-Chuckwagon

VD Smoothies:

Pus Plus Plum
Tri-Fruit-Moniasis
Chlam-and-Beer (alcoholic)
Ginger-Wart-Warm-Up
Gonorrhea With the Wind (a breezy summer drink)
Crabba Java Cooler
Herpe Slurpee

Power Smoothies:

Syphilitic Citrus Burn
Discharge Recharger
Hepa-titan

Other Fun Recipes:

Mullet Chops
Grilled Cheese Snatchwiches (ham optional)
Bubble and Squeak (really bubbles and squeaks!)
Finger Bangers and Mash (bangers are British sausages you pervert)

Today's Words:

Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness -Chuang Tzu

asphinctersayswhat

2004-11-14T15:00:00.000-07:00

I'm going crazy! I can't wait to start Christmas stuff but have made a personal vow to abstain until December out of respect for the man I love. It's ssssooo haaard. Why can't I have a job being a professional present-wrapper or Christmas tree decorator? I'd do it for free but that would probably worry people. "Hi, can I come in your house and make it look festive and wrap all your presents so they look pretty? Please?" I figure it's ok to start decorating early if no one else cares and I'm home so damn much anyways. I don't, however, appreciate department stores putting Xmas trees up before Halloween or playing carols before Dec. 1. I'm nutty but not completely insane. Falalalala lala la la.

Yesterday I went into the video store and the genius behind the counter tried to charge me $21.40 in late charges for a dvd I didn't rent. I supposedly rented it October 23 and returned it on the 31. I've been there 3 or 4 times since and this is the first I've heard of it. Also I DIDN'T RENT IT! I think I would know. I politely explained that I usually do all the renting and I would have noticed. I refused to pay him until I checked with Ken, to be fair. I asked him if he could help me locate the new release so I knew what he talking about. Perhaps it would ring a bell if I knew who was in it or something. He couldn't find it. Of course he couldn't because after I got home and looked on the net I discovered IT HASN'T BEEN RELEASED YET. Today I went back and after waiting an acceptable amount of time (he was showing me who's boss) I explained this. He thrust a receipt at me clearing my debt and said "There!" like it was my fault he's a moron and didn't even know what the hell movies he has out for rent. What an asshole. Yesterday was the first time I ever laid eyes on him but I noticed today that his little name tag said SUPERVISOR. Of course it did. I'm almost tempted to rent at the other video store, but I think we have late charges there from 8 months ago.

Is there anything less sexy than a porn star with visible hemorrhoids? If there is, please DON'T tell me what it is.

Quotes of the day:

Jesse Helms and Newt Gingrich were shaking hands congratulating themselves on the introduction of an anti-gay bill in Congress. If it passes, they won't be able to shake hands, because it will then be illegal for a prick to touch an asshole. -Judy Carter

Judge of your natural character by what you do in your dreams. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

YIKES! -Tracy Berndt ( in response to the above quote)

(....)... ?

2004-11-13T13:31:00.000-07:00

I've had These Boots Were Made For Walking stuck in my head for 3 days. Damn Shrek 2 and Far Far Away Idol! I know, I'm a geek. That's ok though because I've accepted it and am not ashamed! I will not hide anymore! I am free! whatever

My 8 month old daughter is turning around and around (and around and around) in her exersaucer while holding a giant green salad spoon shaped like a cartoon hand. Who needs tv?

I try not to talk too much about her here because people who yammer on and on about their kids irritate me. Now, if a bunch of moms are sitting around exchanging tales, that's another story. Especially labour stories- I always win (44 hours and a plane ride.) I do mention her from time to time because she is involved in 98% of my daily activities. My biggest pet peeve is when I'm on the phone with someone and they say "Here, talk to my baby." Aaargh! I never do that. Besides Kitten is much better at phone-speak than any baby.

Something that always bothers me in punctuation is the whole bracket or quotation mark at the end of a sentence ordeal. If I remember correctly, the ) or the" is at the very end of the sentence. I think it makes more sense to put the period last signifying the very END of the statement. I really can't remember the rules. Sometimes I'm tempted to put the period twice, just to cover all the bases. But that could get out of control in a hurry.

I want to rant about my mom a bit. When she left here after her last visit she decided she would try to call me every day. Not realistic, but a nice effort was made. For about a week. I haven't talked to her in a week and that's only because I call her. I know she has a hectic work schedule but it pisses me off. I called today and less than 2 minutes into the conversation she passes the phone to my aunt and takes off. She tried to pass me to my uncle and my brother but I deflected. I talked to her for 1 minute and then she passed the phone to my sister-in-law because she had her hands in dishwater. While talking to Ness, someone else needed the phone and we had to hang up. I heard mom yell in the background that she would call me back. Right. Later when she complains that I never call her, I hope she remembers the dishes that were so important. I know how trivial this must sound but I don't care. It happens all the time.

For reasons I don't feel like explaining I was thinking about break-up rules. I just always assumed when you are with someone, naked, there is a certain etiquette to be followed. I'm not talking about one-nighters (those are to be enjoyed at your own risk), but relationship-type situations. For instance, no matter how mad you are the ex that is seemingly ruining your otherwise peaceful existence, you don't resort to personal attacks on that person's physical appearance and/or hygiene.
You never say:
1. Your penis is too small.
2. Your boobs are uneven.
3. You're fat.
4. Your birthmark in the shape of Satan really creeps me out.
5. You give the worst head I've ever had.
6. The cottage cheese on your ass/thighs makes me want to throw up.
7. You're breath smells like you've been sucking air through assholes.

Well maybe you do. I just try and avoid the really big hurts because you can NEVER take them back. I grew up with 3 brothers and I still remember some of their insults. And it still hurts.

Today's wise words:
Watch out where the huskies go
An' don't you eat that yellow snow -Frank Zappa

SONOVABITCH

2004-11-11T21:31:00.000-07:00

My baby broke my eye! Seriously. She scratched my cornea, right across the middle, a couple of months ago. Apparently, after two weeks of eyedrops and goop, and two doctors later, I am now eligible for step 2. SALT drops in my eye for a month. Then a checkup, and probably several more months of this. If it sounds painful it is. According to the doctor here, I might have blurry vision for the rest of my life. But don't worry, there is a silver lining... I could probably fix it with a mere CORNEA SCRAPE. Mmmmm. Can't wait.

Eyeball stuff doesn't bother me (when it's someone else's eyes of course) like it does alot of people. I used to want to be an opthamologist for years but figured my hands were not steady enough to perform any type of surgery. Needles don't bug me either. I like to watch. I found myself getting queasy yesterday while hearing about someone's ankle being reduced to puree after falling down some stairs. That was a bit surprising as I'm not generally queasy. If I remember correctly, crunched-up and/or bleeding ankles have bothered me since I was very small. Other things that bother me are bees (probably because I am allergic) and teeth. Teeth totally wig me out. Kudos to dentists for having the stomach- those sick bastards. I am a clencher in my sleep. I thought it was normal to wake up with a sore jaw until I was about 17. I always have nightmares about my teeth falling out, although considerably less now that I sleep with a guard. Unless you've experienced a tooth nightmare there is no way you can understand the absolute horror of it. A few years ago a piece of tooth just fell off, then another. My dentist said I was literally clenching my teeth to pieces. This probably explains why these dreams are so awful. And real.

Put the oven on fire yesterday. Who knew honey garlic was so flammable? Kind of like burning marshmallows. Must be all the sugar. Flooded the coffee pot today. I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

People I hate today:
Assholes at the Passport Office
Girl who rang me through at IGA yesterday
People who continually send me emails to"brighten my day, please send back" and haven't noticed that I NEVER send anything back
Whoever keeps claiming that Angelina Jolie is the sexiest woman alive (not hate, serious annoyance and some mild distrust)
Michael Moore (this has nothing to do with politics, I just don't like him)
Anyone who had anything to do with that Pepto Bismal commercial where everyone does a Macarena-like dance and holds their asses

People I find interesting this week:
Ken Jennings (wicked fast smarty-pants, I gotta respect that a little)

Movies I've seen lately:
Shrek 2- Awesome. Puss in Boots had me on the floor.
Harry Potter 3- Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
Stepford Wives- Ehhh. Okay but a bit of a letdown.
Van Helsing: Glad I saw it. Never need to see it again.
Power of One- Probably would have been very good if I hadn't read the book and know how the STORY REALLY GOES! BASTARDS!

Quotes:
-You don't marry someone you can live with, you marry the person who you cannot live without. (unknown)
-Insanity in individuals is something rare- but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. (Friedrich Nietzche)

Favorite lyrics:
-Well, the rain exploded with a mighty crash as we fell into the sun... (Band on the Run, Wings)